Hi, I'm a new member here as I have to prepare for IELTS. It would be great if you can give me some feedback to my writing! Thank you a lot!!
The following is my writing task 2 essay.
money to poorer countries
Just as some people donate money to some organisations to help those in need, richer countries offer financial aid to poorer countries, attempting to help the countries themselves and their people. However, poverty results from not only lack of money but also insufficient infrastructures and incapability of developing. Therefore, instead of lending or giving money to developing countries, what developed countries should do is helping them earn money by themselves. There are two ways of doing it: providing technical aids and cooperating with them.
First of all, providing technical aids, such as helping them improve agriculture so that they do not need to import staples and other vegetables and fruits, is a starting point of their development. Besides, offering medical knowledges so the death rate of infants can be lower and life span longer can increase population, and they get to develop other industries more easily. Take African countries for example, because of the climate, it is rather difficult to grow crops in those countries, and food shortage causes famine, killing lots of people and making them unable to develop other countries to focus on other industry. Giving them financial aid can only solve food shortage in a period of time, but teaching them how to grow plants more efficiently and effectively in such a hot and dry weather can really solve the problem.
Aside from providing technical aids, developed countries can cooperate with developing countries, creating win-win scenario. Since labourers are expensive in richer countries, companies, factories and government can hire labourers in poorer countries, offering job opportunities to them and save money to invest in other industries. Not only labourers but also lands cost much in developed countries, so building factories in developing countries can also lower expense; what is better is that it can boost the economy in developing countries. However, it should be noted that developed countries should not exploit labourers and pollute environment in developing countries, so stricter regulations are needed.
In conclusion, simply giving money to poorer countries cannot genuinely help them, and other countries are unable and unwilling to keep giving financial aid. Hence, giving poorer countries other help such as technical knowledges can be a better solution to poverty. Moreover, cooperating with poorer countries is another kind of help which can even benefit both sides.
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Right off the bat I saw some punctuation conventions that you failed to follow such as using a comma to separate related words or terms in a sentence. You also have some word confusion when it comes to usage. It is better to say "... even help both sides" instead of "benefit both sides". Since you did not post the actual prompt with this essay, I am unable to analyze your response essay for its relevance to the given discussion topic. What I can say is that you should not write more than 300 words if you want to have enough time to review and correct errors during the actual test. Learn to spot check each paragraph so that you can save time towards the end when you finally need to proofread your overall written work.