Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS TASK 1 :The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan

Rogerscup 5 / 8 1  
Aug 14, 2018   #1
[/h2]Graphical presentation of a school development

[h2]The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan for changes to the school site in 2024.

The two pictures compare the school site in the year 2004 with the proposed site design in the year 2024.

It is clear that the main change of school in 2024 involves the increase of school building. Then, It will be able to accommodate a considerably larger amount of students.

In 2004, two school buildings were separated by a path which was main entrance of the sports field, and there was 600 pupils attending to the school. By 2024, the two original buildings are connected and there is a path from the middle of the building 1 and building 2 which links the new-construct building. Furthermore, it is expected that there is going to have 1000 pupils in the school.

As the third building and a second car park will be built on the site of original sports field, the new, smaller sports field will be constructed next to the new-developed parking lot. A new road will also be built from the main entrance to the second car park. Eventually, the main entrance of school and car park will remain the same as before.

Minh2903 6 / 13 3  
Aug 14, 2018   #2
You can paraphrase the school site/ the site of school by using " the school campus/ the school layout".

Here are some of my suggestion:
_...there was were 600 pupils..
_ buildings are will be connected by a path from ... 2 which will also link to the new-construct building.

_Furthermore, the number of students is expected to increase to 1000 in 2040.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15043 4827  
Aug 15, 2018   #3
Shao, this is a very good assessment of the two plans that you presented. It is clear and considers all aspects of the presentation with regards to information. Your trending statement is very well composed and allows the reader to become excited about reading your upcoming information. Your summary overview has a good outline for the remaining paragraph discussions.

However, you tend to write long sentences because you combine 2 ideas in one presentation using a comma. Try to write shorter but complex sentences by offering each piece of information as a separate sentence in the connected paragraph. That way you create true complex sentences instead of run on sentences.

You have a problem with tense usage as you use present tense wording for future tense presentations in this essay. Be careful as these mistakes will have a direct effect on your GRA score. Familiarize yourself with the future tense keywords and phrases so that you will not make this mistake again.

Your last sentence should not start with "Eventually" because that term connotes "in the end, especially after a long delay, dispute, or series of problems." Your sentence indicates though that the carpark and entrance will not be changed by the improvements being done. Therefore, you should have simply said "The main entrance..." as there was no problem to resolve in the construction and presentation of these areas.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 :The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳