Different attributes of men and women at work

I'm new for IELTS writing Task 2. I really appreciate if you can help me out.

Topic: Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

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Job rising inequality among people different gender

There have always been generally distinct traits between females and males, thus the differences in the types of career. Nevertheless, the practice in modern times has been for both men and women to gain a more flexible choice in seeking works. Some would argue that this situation will not correct itself over time. However, in my view, wherever possible, gender equality should be encouraged.

There may be strong arguments for maintaining works which remain predominantly male or female. For instance, massage customers would probably appreciate having female staffs to cater them. It could also be argued that certain careers expecting a norm of physical strength, gold mining or fireman, for example, should resume being carried mainly by men.

Nonetheless, the society has changed slightly perspectives towards the posts holding by men and women and choosing occupations are more open to both genders, hence the unexpected advantages. Male might comparatively have a better taste and skills in cooking, thus they often hold necessarily pivotal posts in restaurants. On the other hand, a female politician would probably have a better understanding and sympathy for women and their obstacles.

The changes stem from allowing men into female-dominated jobs and vice versa may have some disadvantages like gender inequality in the workplace, it is still hopeful. However, to gain the most from this improvement, it is relevant not to expect men and women approach works in analogous ways.

Nguyen, your opening statement is too flowery in word usage. As such, it failed to accurately depict what should have been a simple paraphrasing of the opening statement. You over analyzed the information provided in your version of the paraphrase and as such, did not have a chance to properly represent the original discussion. The paraphrase should have been as simple as:

Men and women are known to have distinct strengths and weaknesses when compared to each other. It is because of these differences that each gender currently has limitations set in place for them in certain professions. I have a particular point of view regarding the hiring of people to do work based upon gender considerations. This essay will delve into that discussion.

I believe that it is wrong to limit the field of work that a person can perform in due to gender. My main reason for this belief is that...

I know that I included a sample opening sentence for the second paragraph. That is because I want to show you how to effectively reel in the examiner and also, heighten the sense of information that you are about to present in the essay. If you can engage the reader by creating an interesting opening statement and an interesting topic sentence in the next paragraph, your essay will be scored highly in terms of the TA consideration, which is one of the most important considerations in scoring the test.

Your line of reasoning is weak and not properly defended. This normally happens when you are more focused on simply presenting reasons in the essay rather than presenting reasons with proper supporting arguments in the paragraph. The supporting information in a paragraph can make all the difference between a high C&C plus GRA score or a dismal score because you only presented half-baked ideas to the examiner. If you want to pass the test, you need to prove that you are capable of writing fluently in English in a manner that shows off your intellectual capacity in the foreign language as well.

These statements are very useful for me. Thank you very much for your help.