IELTS TASK 2: different views about teaching children to become a good citizen of the community

Teaching children how to be good members of society

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about teaching children to become a good citizen of the community. While some people argue that parents play an indispensable role in shaping children's personality traits, others claim that school is a right place for children to learn social values. I strongly believe that both parents and school are equally significant in this issue.

On the one hand, it can be argued that parents have a tremendous influence on their children's behaviours. Parents are primary teachers and home is the first school for children from birth to preschool. Children imitate most of parents' actions, therefore, it is important for parents to set a good example for their child. It is also noticeable that the personality development of children initiate from home in the early stage. For example, in that period, children can be taught about good and bad concepts, how to respect elderly and how to treat people with proper attitudes.

On the other hand, some people argue that school is also a main factor that affects the form of children's qualities. School is a small environment which equips children with a colossal of knowledge and teachers are considered as influencers who instil children with discipline and social responsibilities. Children spend an amount of time at school to learn essential skills to become independent and confident in the real world. For example, children would be taught about basic characteristics in a working environment such as punctuality, teamwork skill, and discipline which are necessary. Furthermore, in school, children could interact with their friends from diverse backgrounds and characteristics. Hence, they have the opportunity to show and build their own independence and self-reliance.

In my honest opinion, both schooling and parenting are crucial to a child's development and they are not interchangeable. Therefore, children could perceive both moral values, knowledge and social skills.

In conclusion, teaching children how to become a helpful person is an arduous task that both parents and schools have equal responsibility for.

First of all, the way you divide your argument into paragraphs is not completely logical. This is a " Discuss both views and your opinion essay". Of course, there would be different ways to separate paragraphs . In this particular situation, you divide your body into 3 paragraphs, in which the 1st and the 2nd discuss those 2 views in the prompt task ; the 3rd paragraph is your opinion. However your 3rd paragraph is too short although the half of the prompt task requires your personal opinion. Therefore, this would make you lose TA points. Personally, if you are out of ideas to continue your argument for the 3rd paragraph, you should simultaneously show your opinion during your discussing process. In detail, this means you can give your opinion on each viewpoint at the end of the 2 first paragraph. Or else, you can put it in the conclusion. Just don't make it a paragraph if you don't have 3 sentences or more

In fact, in most cases, each paragraph should require at least 3 sentences . Therefore, we could see 1 more problem in your essay is the conclusion. It didn't paraphrase the prompt very well. You should always restate the prompt task and then restate your opinion in this kind of essay.