The difficulties people have when they integrate into a new country

Integration problems for people living abroad (%)

The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My answer:
The bar chart shows the difficulties people have when they integrate into a new country and how the problems vary according to people's ages.

The greatest problem for people of all ages is arranging healthcare. A problem experienced by 32 to 37 percent of all people find this a problem.

The second biggest problem is organizing finances. Although only 29 percent of people over 55 find it hard to organize finances, while 34 percent of people aged 18-34 and 35 percent of people aged 35-54 have this problem.

In contrast to finding schools difficulties, only 2 percent of the oldest age group and 6 percent of the youngest age group have trouble finding schools for their children. However, the percentage of who have problems finding schools of the other age group is at 19 percent.

In general, all age groups experience the same difficulties to some extent, but the percentage of the 35-54 age group who have trouble finding schools for their children is much higher than the others.

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I think you try your best to analyse the chart. That's great. However, I believe that you have never learned anything about this task 1. First, I want to point out some grammar and vocab mistakes.

"Although only 29 percent ..."

What kind of phrase did you use? The right phrase "Although+S+V, S+V". or "S+V, although+S+V". You should learn grammar before try to write.

" integrate into", It should be " when they are integrated". However, you see the word "integration" and then transform it, it is non-sense. I would fix "when they emigrate to a new country"

"In contrast to finding schools ...".
You use the phrase "in contrast to" without any ideas about its meaning. People use it when they show a low number after showing a high number. You use it and then mention the same things again "finding schools difficulties"

I would fix "In terms of difficulties in finding school, only 2 percent of the oldest age group...".

However, the most important is missing the overview, you can"t get band 6 in total if you miss it, no matter how good is your vocab. You should learn from many task 1 sample on the Internet, it"s your mission. Overview only shows key features

I will write an overview for example
"Overall, it is apparent that lacking finances is the most prevalent problem among all age. Meanwhile, finding schools for children is only a potential issue for middle-aged people.

The overview information is incomplete. You should have indicated the age ranges, the source of information, and measurement type along with an explanation of what the bar chart is all about. You could have increased your TA score by having a better presentation of the overview summary. Writing 3-5 sentences per paragraph never hurt anyone's score. In fact, it gave the essay a chance at increased scoring. You separated your sentences so much that it did not really come across as a cohesive information presentation. It was difficult to keep track of the related information.

All of your sentences are under the minimum paragraph sentence requirement. That explains why your word count is not at the ideal level of writing which is 175 words. Next time, use more sentences in your essay. Utilize all 5 sentence presentations so that are sure that your explanation is coming across clearly to the reader and that you have not missed out on any information. Always review your essay data for any missed points, of which I found several in this presentation. You wrote over the minimum, but not enough to prove a thorough analysis of the bar chart information.

Task Itself doesn't really allow you to explore and Analyze Graphic in a proper way. However you could improve a lot Cohesion of the paragraph, I mean instead of answering in Bullet Points from try to make something more deep in terms of understanding and strucutre. Probably by creating 1 or 2 paragraphs commenting about similarities and differences between ages you could make a better approach.

Also (Not sure If might be good as long as the task doesn't ask you to) try to add the comparisions a little bit of explanations, Maybe by trying to interpret the Bars and the results you could reveal that you understand enough the bars in order to summarize it.

But well, Theres no golden rule, so Just try to fix structure and cohesion.

@Holt
@THC1310vn
@CHRISOD
Thank you. It helps me a lot!