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'there is still discrimination against women' - how this problem evaluated to the present days?

fariz10 13 / 18 2  
Feb 8, 2016   #1
The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The World Societies have changed especially in term of gender equality that women position becomes a measurement over 50 years. It was never happened before the notion of feminism came. However, I strongly agree even there has been the idea of women rights that there is still discrimination against women.

Firstly, feminism was occurred in the past 50 years ago. It has been leading gender equality between men and women. As the impact of this, many countries in the world starting to implement gender law to improve woman rights. For example, in Indonesia, a woman has opportunity to become people representative in DPR-RI (People Representative of Republic Indonesia). This has been becoming fact that Indonesia has great deal with women position in the societies.

In contrast, women are still being discriminated in term of leadership issue. They are not fully treated like a man as the notion of gender equality should be. For instance, in Indonesia female president become taboo especially for Muslim. Even though, the fourth president of Republic Indonesia was a woman, Megawati Soekarno Putri. Besides, in people representative women only have small percentage compare with man. The limitation of women is as fact that the role of man still dominant in Indonesia parliament. It is because majority of people believe men should become superior in front of women and it is mean women do not treat equal in parliament.

In conclusion, equality between women and men are still become a problem in several society because of vary factors such as religious issue, even the gender law is already on the field. That is way we cannot say the gender equality have achieved.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 8, 2016   #2
Fariz, this is a grammatically error filled essay. However, it works in terms of the discussion presented. Once the reviewer manages to decipher the information that is in the paragraphs, the relevance of your discussion and critical thinking becomes clearer. If you can just practice perfecting your English sentences somehow, your essay will be sure to get a good grade.

Just a few notes on the way you wrote the essay:
1. World Societies is not located at the beginning of a sentence, neither is it the formal name of an organization in the context of your essay. Therefore, the words should be written in lower case, as in "world societies".

2. The conclusion is only a single long paragraph. You need to expand that to become a proper conclusion of at least 3 sentences. You were able to present a proper conclusion. The only problem is that you did not develop the closing paragraph properly.

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