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Discuss about child begging in Vietnam and state my opinion on it. (approximately 150 words)

daphnepham 1 / 4  
Feb 9, 2020   #1

children are forced into begging

People are no stranger to child begging. In Ho Chi Minh City, we can easily see under-12-year-old children begging money from passers-by. Little do people know, they are taught to kowtow and cry to arouse compassion by well-organized begging gangs. Although authorities and non-governmental organizations are trying their best to alleviate the problem, I believe it still lacks tight association. I want to bridge the gap between them so that they can work together more. Moreover, although many organizations have shown enthusiasm in helping the children, very few do actually address it. I want to establish an organization whose resources include former victims of forced child begging. We will inform the public about negative effects to change their mindset, also organize conferences and invite authorities to discuss in detail. It can make the authority tighten the law since in Vietnam, punishment for abusing child begging is light. We can also learn from India: develop fundraising application for easy donation. Together, we can eradicate the issue.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,669 4754  
Feb 9, 2020   #2
If you are writing this essay as part of your IELTS Task 2 preparations, I am sad to say that you will not be able to get a passing score for this type of work. You have written an essay that is 100 words under the required minimum word presentation. That means your essay will be graded with severe points deductions for the missing 100 words, which in turn will result in a failed TA score. The TA score requires the student to meet the 250 word minimum. So it would be useless for me to try to advise you regarding the content of your essay and points for improvement. It will already have failed anyway. Next time, write the 250 word minimum before posting here for advice.

Now if this was written simply as a practice essay for no English test in particular, I have a few observations regarding your adherence to grammar rules that may be of help to you in writing your next essay.

You need to learn when to use complex words and when to use simple words. When writing a simple sentence, use simple references such as "establish - set up". The difference being that to establish means to bring something into existence or to institute (something, such as a law) permanently by enactment or agreement. While to set up means to "...make carefully worked out plans for " The latter meaning is what you wanted to imply in the relevant sentence. You also need to learn to use more specific language, without additional word fillers such as "actually address". The more straightforward writing would be to lose the "actually", since it adds clarity to what you want to say and removes uncertainty in the presentation.

Next time you post an essay for review, please indicate if it is for an English test or just for English practice so it can be reviewed accordingly.
OP daphnepham 1 / 4  
Feb 9, 2020   #4
I am appreciated your help. Actually, this is the entrance essay for university. Also, since this is the first time I have post on this website, so next time I will be more careful.

Home / Writing Feedback / Discuss about child begging in Vietnam and state my opinion on it. (approximately 150 words)
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