Discussion about men and women parenting skills ( IELTS )

parenting skills comparison

In recent years ,the comparison between men and women parental guidance in various societies has been a debatable topic. Some people are convinced that women will play a better role in educating children while I believed that both genders are equally good at parenting.

First and foremost, it may be undeniable that women images has been attached to numerous works such as being a housewife. This stereotype has been formed an excessive long time ago - when women were considered to be stayed at home and looked after their kids. However, in the past few years, genders equality has been a remarkable topic, which is synonymous with women having the equal jobs opportunity and the same amount of work as men. Therefore, childcare and parenting should be divided identically; nevertheless, both men and women have the same excellent parental guidance.

Secondarily, men's contribution to a child development when it comes to discipline. This becomes important as the child's time management skills becomes the key to their overall behavioral and personality traits. For example : ensuring children to wake up on time or spends the right amount of time for studying and indoor or outdoor games can be enforced by the father. Additionally, ensuring a balanced and nutritious diet for a child is done better by women; for instance, mothers can are in better position to understand what their child needs to be prepared in lunchbox at school. In addition, women are tend to have an emotional connection better with their child; therefore, they can understand children's mindset.

To conclude, I am of the opinion that both genders can be a good parent due to the gender equality features and the specialization at parenting skills in both mother and father roles.

I think you should try to cut down the words as unnecessary(First and foremost=First,firstly)
It maybe undeniable = it is undeniable(be firm with your statement inorder to guide people into the thinking of yours)
Excessive(adj)
I think the word "considered","identically" is not using in the right context (believe and equally could be better)
In my opinion,the last sentence of the second paragraph should not be mentioned and should be replaced with a further explaination(giving example,...)
*Secondarily is wrong (Second)
After the phrase for example should be a comma
Enforced is not right in this context(responsible is)
*Can are is grammatically wrong

You have written the right number of words to get maximum scoring considerations for this essay. However, you still have errors in terms of spelling, grammar (tense usage), clarity, and conciseness. After you gave your opinion in the opening paraphrase, you should have added 2 sentences at the end for maximum TA scoring. The sentences to be added should have indicated the reasons why you believe that men and women are equally good at parenting. Mention just the reasons, do not explain anything at that point.

Avoid the use of word fillers like , "First and foremost", "Secondarily" as these words do not help to advance your GRA or LR score. You have a very bad grammar error in the presentation: mothers can are (can be). There are also improperly formatted sentences scattered throughout your essay. There are so many that I cannot correct those individually in this thread.

The conclusion needs to be 3-5 sentences. You have a run-on sentence in the conclusion. You need to divide that into 3-5 sentences. Summarize the discussion points that you presented within individual sentences that reflect a proper summary conclusion.