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IELTS task 2: Whether women are more good at parenting than men is under hot debate.


happypassexam 1 / -  
Apr 11, 2019   #1

are women better parents than men?



Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss two sides and give your opinion

Answer:
Whether women are more good at parenting than men is under hot debate. Opinions differs from person to person. From where I stand, even though men have different advantages and disadvantages of parenting from women, I firmly assert that men are able to be as good parents as women and the significance of the role of father are tantamount to that of mother.

It is undeniable that compared with fathers, mothers are more affable and considerate and can enable children, especially little ones and infants, meticulous and sufficient care because of the gender differences. This is not sexual discrimination towards women but a deeper consideration of the demand of children. But it does not mean that mothers need to shoulder more responsibility of raising children. There existed a social belief that women have obligation to sacrifice for their family, even abandon their dreams and career, in order to ensure their children good care, high-quality education and a promising future. So what we expect a father's involvement ? That belief is unfair and partial, considering that the greater role women have, the heavier burden they have to take.

Furthermore, I suppose father's role has been underrated in the process of parenting for a long time. The research concerned have shown father's involvement have fundamental effects on the physical and psychological development of their offspring in childhood and adolescence. In addition, sufficient and unqualified fatherly love can shape one's personality to some extent. For instance, some social observation and psychological investigation found young girls lacking fatherly love are likely to feel inferior and tend to seek love of someone who is far more older than themselves.

All in all, it is safely concluded that both father and mother are best role models and easily set examples for their children. In spite of difference the way of parenting between father and mother, the influence exerted by them should not be ignored.

Maria [Contributor] - / 135 79  
Apr 11, 2019   #2
I would have a couple of technical aspects that I want to discuss.
First and foremost, I would watch out for your usage of relative pronouns (which, that, etc.). Because these things essentially modify or encapsulate a certain percentage of your essay, it is imperative that you learn how to properly utilize them toavoid unnatural structures in your essay. You also have a tendency to have dragging or running sentences that do not have a specific structure that can be confusing for the readers.

Furthermore, watch out for your subject-verb discrepancies. This is easily fixable through reviewing more about the fundamentals of the language.
For instance, I have noticed a mistake in your first paragraph's last sentence. I would have revised this portion as:
From where I stand, though men have different advantages and disadvantages in parenting compared to women, they are able to be as good parents as the other gender. The significance of the role their play is also tantamount to that of a mother.


Notice that aside from correcting the run-on sentence alongside technical mistakes, I also had ensured that you removed redundant words. Words which I believe are classified under this would be those that have similar words (may be synonyms) throughout the sentence already. If you can omit words that are relatively the same as others and avoid them through changing the structure of a sentence, it would better the flow of your essay.

Lastly, I would also recommend that you try to incorporate more examples into your essay. This will help the readers envision what you truly mean. Look at your third paragraph. If you had removed the redundant or repetitive words in this essay, you would be able to have more space in your word count to substantiate your essay.

Again, like what I always tell others, I would highly recommend that you use simplified language rather than a complex one because this will let you avoid mistakes that are borne out of trying hard. While experimenting with structure and style definitely help you in challenging your skills, tests like IELTS focus more on the precision of your grammar than anything else.

Best of luck.
TJLuschen - / 247 203  
Apr 11, 2019   #3
I think for this type of essay prompt it is better to have a three part essay, where the two sides are discussed objectively in two body paragraphs, and then your subjective opinion is introduced in a third paragraph, which can be combined with the conclusion. Here are some specific suggestions:

Whether women are [better] at parenting than men

... Opinions [differ] from person to person.

... even though men [and women] have ... disadvantages [concerning] parenting from women, I firmly ... able to [parent as well] as women

... the role of father [is] tantamount to that of [the] mother.

... considerate and can [provide] children, ... differences. {saying "it is undeniable" and then giving no support or data seems unreasonable to me}

... There [exists] a [societal] belief that women have [the] obligation to

.... father's involvement [to be] ? {what "do we expect" or "what should we expect"?} That belief {what belief? You just gave a rhetorical question, not a belief} is unfair

... I suppose [the] father's role ...

...The research [concerning this topic has] {research is singular non-countable} shown [that a] father's involvement [has] fundamental effects

... the influence exerted by [both parents] should not be ignored.


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