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IELTS; Disparities in earnings of different professionals


elenaz 2 / 2  
Dec 30, 2013   #1
Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Every profession has its one value and that why their salary differ. Nowadays that has changed. Professional workers (doctors, nurses, teachers) that make immense contribution to the society are paid less than sports and entertainment personalities. I concur with the opinion that professions, which are significant to the society, should be paid more so they would be able to improve in their fields and be motivated to succeed in their careers. In this essay a will provide an example that supports my belief.

In my country the health care is on the low level. Doctors and nurses are paid less than the speakers on the news. With the time they got frustrated with that fact and started to do protest around the country. They claim that their salary could not even pay the fees for their future studies and therefore cannot improve in their fields. In addition to this less and less students where enrolling to the medical universities. We were witnesses to the lots of deaths that happened because of the lack of professional workers. Not only doctors but also the whole country was frustrated by this horrible problem that the country was dealing with.

On the other hand the entertainment personalities were leaving the luxurious life. Their salaries were so high that they could afford to buy anything; Expensive shoes, bags, cars, luxury homes and villas and so on. I opine with ones opinion that they are a big contribution to the society but not to the extant that they over shadow the professional workers. They voyages should not rise only because the number of followers on instagram and twitter are going up.

In my opinion, every profession has its own value and its own contribution to the society. The government should make a scale of professions, which are essential and primary to the society, and professions that go below that scale and according to that the salary should be determined.
cantabile 2 / 4  
Dec 31, 2013   #2
"that why" (first sentence)- "that's why" (or "that is why" if you're trying to avoid contractions)

Consider removing the brackets from the third sentence as it's not very professional or essay-like. you could say "professional workers such as doctors..." or just word it the same a the prompt

"professions, which are significant.."- the use of the comma in that context indicates that ALL professions should be paid more because they are significant to the society, which doesn't make sense. Removing the comma would be more logical

I hesitantly suggest that you take out the last sentence in the first paragraph. Although it's nice to have structure and direction in your essay and high school teachers always tell you to state exactly what you're going to write in the essay, university admissions officers are not high school teachers and may feel like it's extraneous.

second paragraph: reread it and pay attention to the grammar. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say in the sentences as they can be interpreted in a variety of ways, so I don't feel confident in my suggestions. However, here are some things that I was confused about:

"on a low level"-- economically? socially? politically? what structure does this level belong to?
"with the time"-- over time? as time passed?
"started to do protest"-- started doing protests? started protesting?
"and therefore cannot improve in their fields"-- and therefore they cannot...
"lots of deaths"-- not very professional, you can check a thesaurus for a more descriptive word

third paragraph:
"leaving"-- "living"
"they voyages"-- their... voyages? wages?

I'm not really sure how accurate my feedback is as I'm still new to this, so please don't take my suggestions if you don't agree with them.

Best of luck in your application and studies!
Utau4928 5 / 17 1  
Dec 31, 2013   #3
Every profession has its one value and that why their salary differ.

Every profession has its own value and that is why their salaries differ.

Professional workers (doctors, nurses, teachers)

If I were you, I wouldn't write between parenthesis. I would use "such as". Professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers

With the time they got frustrated

Over time they got frustrated.
they got frustrated with that fact and started to do protest around the country.

They claim that their salary could not even

They claimed.

In addition to this less and less students where enrolling to the medical universities.

In addition to this less and less students were enrolling

I opine with ones opinion that they are a big contribution to the society

They voyages should not rise only because of the number of followers on instagram and twitter are going up.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 2, 2014   #4
Every profession has its one value and that why their salary differ

This sentence does not flow well :(
Every profession has its own values. However, there is a great variance in the earnings of different professionals.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 4, 2014   #5
dumi has suggested you a good structure to construct your introduction. You can re-write the intro by following her instructions and post it here for us to provide you our comments.


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