IELTS task1 Divorced rates in Finland and Sweden in a bar chart

Hello all,
Please check out the essay for me. I am sincerely thankful for anyone who can provide any advice or suggestions. If possible, please give me detailed marks and score the essay as well. Thank you so much.

QUESTION

The bar chart shows the divorce rates in two European countries from 2011 to 2015.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Divorce statistics in two Scandinavian countries

ESSAY

The given bar illustrates the percentages of divorce rates in two European nations (Finland and Sweden) between 2011 and 2015. Overall, the number of divorce rates in both countries were all over 30% during this five years. The data in Sweden were higher than in Finland despite a marginal dip in the year of 2015.

In 2012, it is notable that the percentage of divorce rate in Sweden reached a peak at approximately 50% indicating the largest gap of 17% in contrast to the number in Finland, with around 33% of divorce rate. Within this five years, the rates in Sweden were all roughly between 35% and 50%, while in Finland, the data was only in the range between 30% and 40%, implicitly showing that there were more divorced people in Sweden during the period.

However, the gap of the rates in those two countries had decreased by about 4% by 2015, with 37% in Sweden and 41% in Finland. The divorce rates, hence, were inclined to rise up in Finland, while the ones tended to decrease in Sweden.

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I am wondering
1. if there is any problem with my essay structure?
2. if the detail data is provided too less? For instance, I didn't write down every Sweden's percentage from 2011 to 2015 chronologically.

Please check this for me because I couldn't find any person around me to correct the essay or advise me. This website is the one I found that it might help me a lot.

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Hi Wendy, your essay does have a few problems that would lower your task accuracy score in the scoring criteria. The required summary overview doesn't properly detail the given information and yes, you will lose points for not discussing every year indicated in the chart. The reason that this is a summary essay is because it has to summarize, in detail, the information from the bar graph. You took a shortcut in the presentation and that will cost you in terms of task accuracy. You also lost an opportunity to better show off your English grammar skills because of the missing discussion points. Please allow me to show you how you could have received a better TA score in this essay through a well developed opening summary:

A bar chart was provided for this essay indicating the divorce rates in the European countries of Finland and Sweded. The divorce rate information was collated from 2011 to 2015. This essay will summarize the given information through the reporting of the main percentage features per year in each country. Comparisons will also be made whenever required.

In this proper format, you will notice that only the pertinent instructions and discussion information were outlined. The presentation does not allow for the inclusion of actual facts and data as yet because the outline for discussion, which will serve as the reader's guide, has yet to be finalized for presentation. That is done in the body paragraphs of the essay instead. This is a standard requirement and does not change for the IELTS Task 1 test.

My breakdown for your score, based upon the aforementioned mistakes in it would be as follows:

TA - 4 due to the incomplete summary outline
LR - 5 because of mistakes in word usage such as "this" instead of "these"
C&C - 5 since you did not pause to create separate sentences that could have been better understood.
GRA - 5 since you tried to develop complex sentences when what you should have been doing was presenting better developed simple sentences.

All of these paragraphs should have at least 3 sentences in them as per the minimum sentence requirement for essays. You have too many run on sentences in the essay because you used commas to separate your discussion. The period is more effective to use because it allows the reader to truly pause in order to accurately consider the statement information. Your final score could probably be anywhere from a 5 to a 5.5.

Dear @Holt
Thank you so much for providing the instruction to me. I REALLY APPRECIATE your prompt response and I can see that I have to work on my essay a lot. With your suggestions, yes, I have found that my opening summary has a big problem and has to be revised. I have reread my essay again and found that my sentences in the body paragraph are too long just like what you taught me and that would mislead the reader's guide. Before yesterday, there was no one telling me that one paragraph has to contain at least 3 sentences. But now, I would keep all your advice in my mind. Sincerely appreciate.

Here is the essay that I rewrite again, PLEASE check it out for me and give me a score as well. Thank you so much.

If there is any advice from other people, I would still welcome and appreciate a lot.

ESSAY

The given bar chart illustrates the percentages of divorce rates in two European countries of Finland and Sweden during the years between 2011 and 2015. Overall, both nations had some fluctuations. The data in Sweden represented a downward trend, while the one in Finland indicated an upward trend.

To begin, divorce rate in Sweden was at around 44% and then it reached a peak of roughly 50% in 2012. After the first two years, Sweden's divorce gradually decreased from the top to about 46% and 45% in 2013 and 2014 respectively. By 2015, the data had dropped to the number of approximately 37%, which was the only one lower than Finland's divorce rate.

In terms of the information of Finland, around 36% of divorce rate represented initially in the first year. Later on, the percentage dropped to the lowest point of 32%, which created a large gap in contrast to the number in Sweden. Finland's divorce, however, started climbing up to a range between 39% and 41% during the period from 2013 to 2015.

I am confused about whether I have to draw a conclusion at the end of IELTS TASK1?