Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France - IELTS table chart


Wiratmaja_Dicky 2 / 3 1  
Oct 20, 2014   #1
The table below shows personal savings as a percentage of personal
income for selected countries in 1970, 1990 and 2000.


Summarise the information by choosing and reporting the key features,
and make any relevant comparisons


The table chart illustrates personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in several nations in 1970, 1990 and 2000, a period of three decades. The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

Over all, the personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in listed nations recorded decreased among three decades.

According to table list on last period, 2000 years, France and Japan were in first positions in the percentage of saving loans per-persons on these two nations were 13,6 % ,however the trend in each nations were different. While France in 1990 recorded by 11,5 % and reach the peak was in 1970 with 18,7% , Japan the percentages of passive income by private account recorded 17,6% as the top in 1970 and in 1990 decrease slightly to 12,1 %. Second positions of the list was Germany, this nation in 2000 recorded by 11, 8 % decrease slightly, due the fact in 1970 and 1990 Germany remain steadily at 13,8 % of saving loans each persons. Fourth and fifth positions of nations in 2000 were Italy and UK at 11,4 % and 11,6 % although that, Italy was the highest in 1970 reached 29,5 % contrasting with UK in 1970 recorded by 9,2 %, ones of smallest, in 1990 UK was smallest ones with 8,2 % of saving loans each person however Italy, in 1990 reach 17,6 % . The sixth of saving loan in period 2000 was USA reached 4,0 % . The highest level of saving in USA nation was in 8,2 % in 1970 but among the period was decreased can be looked in 1990 just 5,5 %. The last position nations of saving loans in 2000 per-persons was Canada by 1,9 % however, Canadian in 1970 the percentages of saving loans was 5,6 % and increased significantly in 1990, it was 11,5 %

maritsanur 5 / 8 2  
Oct 20, 2014   #2
hello dicky, where's the pict?
Btw, I think the term "over all" should be written by "overall".
the overview is too short
is it "2000" years or in "2000"?
"France and Japan were in first positions" should be "France and Japan were in the first position"
term "however" suitable placed to contradiction separated by two sentences

Keep trying bro :)
Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Oct 20, 2014   #3
hello dicky..

The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

i think you should change with "they" or use "colon"

According to table list on last period, 2000 years, France and Japan were in first positions in the percentage of saving loans per-persons on these two nations were 13,6 % ,however the trend in each nations werewas different.

i think it's fraction, so you should use "the" before first

While France in 1990 recorded by 11,5 % and reachreached the peak was in 1970 with 18,7% , Japan the percentages of passive income by private account recorded 17,6% as the top in 1970 and in 1990 decreasedecreased slightly to 12,1 %.

overall, it's good. keep fighting! :)
Mann_ms 9 / 20 5  
Oct 21, 2014   #4
Hy Wiratmaja_Dicky...
Let me give you some advice to your IELTS Writing Task 1. And sorry if I make mistake due to I'm still lerning too.

The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

I think in Intro, you shouldn't put this part becaouse it is more detaile... It would be better if you explain in body paragraph. But if you want to put in Intro, make this sentence in general view. e.g (in several countries) maybe.

As we know, in intro just contain paraphrase from promt which include what the topic talking about, where and when it happen.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Oct 26, 2014   #5
I am in line with Maritsanur. While the picture is not attaching, it is difficult to identify your report which is suit to the feature given.

You attempted to paraphrase the prompt with well. Let me try to simplify it.

The table chart illustrates personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in several nations in 1970, 1990 and 2000, a period of three decades. The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

The table depicts the percentage of the way that people in Canada, France, German, Italy, UK, America and Japan save their personal income in 1970, 1990 and 2000.

The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

Over all, the personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in listed nations recorded decreased among three decades.

Both of them can be merged in your overview.

According to table list on last period, 2000 years,

As per the table, in 2000 ...

, Japan the percentages

The percentage in Japan....

I suggest you to pay attention about the layout. While your essay's appearance is not well-organized, the examiner needs hard work to understand it. I mean put spacing to separate your essay's part.
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Oct 26, 2014   #6
First of all, a picture is missing
Secondly, Over all, the personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in listed nations recorded decreased among three decades.
it should be the last sentence
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Oct 26, 2014   #7
Hello Wiratmaja_Dicky, I suggest you to read many sample answer as much as you can to improve your writing skill. In the introduction, we have to paraphrase the prompt as the general information. If I'm not wrong, it is one of the question in the IELTS on tracks.

The table chart illustrates personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in several nations in 1970, 1990 and 2000, a period of three decades. The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

It is bulky introductory paragraph.

The table illustrates how people in Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, The United Kingdom and The United States save their money based on a percentage of personal income from 1970 to 2000, a period of 3 decades and is measured in percent.

Over all, the personal savings as a percentage of personal loans in listed nations recorded decreased among three decades.

you can use ; Overall,It is clear that ...It is noticeable that...
Overview is the part that you have to write the key trend

It is noticeable that the majority of citizens in five countries experienced a significant drop at personal saving, while the percentage of personal savings in Britain and Japan witnessed negatively correlated.

According to table list on last period, 2000 years, France and Japan were in first positions in the percentage of saving loans per-persons on these two nations were 13,6 % ,however whereas the trend in each nations were different.

rewrite the entire of body paragraph.

Let me show you how to structure the sentences.

A percentage of personal income who lived in Italia decreased significantly from 29.5 percent to 17.6 percent between 1970 and 1990, a drop of about 11.9 percent. In sharp contrast to this, personal saving as a percentage of wages in Germany remained reasonably stable at 13.8, a period of two decades, while Canadian had a sharp increase for personal savings from 5.6% in 1970 to 11.5% in 1990.

In my opinion, this essay gains band 5.

Pay attention to;
1. Subject verb agreement. Read a good grammar book.
2. Use appropriate linker
3. Clarity is important than complex sentences.Do not make your reader confuse.
4. Pick up your key points properly. Divide the datum into 2 group that you can write them into different body paragraph. For example, you can mention the differences in the body paragraph 1 and the sameness in the body paragraph 2.

5. Remember, a pattern is quite important to improve your score.
6. Ask to your teacher how to build a paragraph in the writing task 1.


Home / Writing Feedback / The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France - IELTS table chart