Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


IELTS-drug use in children (parents should be more attentive to their children)



Slim shady 12 / 25  
Jun 30, 2012   #1
let me know band score please!!! thank in advance!!!

People in all modern societies use drugs, today's youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parents and other members of society often set a bad example. Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug use by young people in modern day society. Make any recommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youth drug abuse.

Indeed, nowadays, the consumption of drugs is alarming day by day, especially, among teenagers. The youth drug consumption is a serious issue in many nations. From my point of view, not only the use of illegal drug increasing but also children who as young as 10 years old are experimenting with cigarettes and alcohol. The reason for this behavior is setting wrong upbringing by elders.

The first thing I would like to say is that stepping up of consumption drugs and alcohol can affect the young. In my opinion, it is impossible to imagine a healthy future while the locals abusing drugs. It has a huge amount of effects on people. For example, it can damage our brain cells, lungs and skin. From the contamination of skin it becomes skin cancer. The skin cancer is one of the most fatal disaster in human life, especially, when youth abuse drugs, they may get older quickly than their teens.

The effects of drug abuse are well-known. Furthermore, many young people's talents are wasted and also addiction to hard drug consumption may cost a life of user. One of the sensible way to solve this problem to educate people about the dangers of drug utilize, and stick at building reduce of these sorts of disasters up.

Moreover, today's birth rate is declining all around the world because of drugs. In my opinion, governments should protect people from disasters or dangers like these. Carrying out like these protections societies should accept new laws which forbid consumption of drugs, alcohol and tobacco. Perhaps these laws should be obeyed and respected by the locals.

Analyzing the aforementioned information I want to recapitulate that parents should be more attentive to their children because the upbringing which is given in childhood can affect to their future life.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 661  
Jun 30, 2012   #2
The structure of the body is not appropriate. The topic asked you to write about "causes", "effects", and "solutions". First of all, you did not say any thing about the "causes" except a short sentence in the introduction. Second of all, for writing the "effects" and "solutions" you have two ways :1) write an "effect" and suggest a "solution" in one paragraph, and repeat this structure for another paragraph in the body. 2) Write "effects" in one paragraph and allocate another paragraph to "solutions". Therefore, you can organize your essay as follows: [for writing the body you can choose (B-1) or (B-2)]

A) introduction
B) body
B-1) first paragraph (one cause and its effect; then suggest a solution)
second para. (second cause and its effect, and then give a solution)
B-2) first paragraph of the body (causes and their effects)
second para. (solutions)
C) conclusion


[This is not a good conclusion. You should reword the topic at first, then write a clincher (ending statement)] Analyzing the aforementioned information I want to recapitulate that parents should be more attentive to their children because the upbringing which is given in childhood can affect to their future life.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS-drug use in children (parents should be more attentive to their children)
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳