'I am easy to communicate' - University Of XXX - essay

University Of XXX'as one of the alumni said, put much emphasis on students' self-development. As a young person of individuality, I dream to follow a degree program in this prestigious university.

I am easy to communicate with and ready to bring about new ideas. For example, in the Fight Hunger, a charity walk organized by World Food Organization, I suggested adding a donation program in the walk and leading the program by cooperation with others. In the end, we submitted all the donated money to World Food Organization.

I have many hobbies, among which I think French horn is a unique one. As the representative of Chinese symphony orchestra and chairman of brass band department, I once participated in the International High School Student Symphony. Our performance was highly acclaimed by the organizer. In my spare time, I organized several wind quartet performances with my schoolmates, and donated all the money to the school Red Cross.

As a member of Red Cross of China, I participated in numerous charity activities, such as cleaning the streets, visiting old people in nursing home, children in orphanage and people in underdeveloped areas.

University Of XXX enjoys worldwide fame and boasts large number of international students, so I will exert myself to enrich their extra-curricular activities.

A few opinions of my own :p
[I'm not an expert at proofreading and editing; honestly, I myself am stuck in tens of admission essays, too. Haizzzz!]

What is the topic of this essay anyway? I see that it simply lists your interests and activities, right? So many information and none is specifically emphasized --> no special impression.

Also, I think you shouldn't use 'their' to indicate the university you're applying to; instead, use 'your'. ^_^

Hope I can help,
A_R

This first sentence confuses me. Maybe it should be like this:

As one of the alumni of the University of XXX said, "Put much emphasis on students' self-development." As a young person of individuality, I dream to follow a degree program in this prestigious university.

I reorganized the paragraphs, below:

I am easy to communicate with and ready to bring about new ideas. For example, in the Fight Hunger, a charity walk organized by World Food Organization, I suggested adding a donation program in the walk and leading the program by cooperation with others. In the end, we submitted all the donated money to World Food Organization. As a member of Red Cross of China, I participated in numerous charity activities, such as cleaning the streets, visiting old people in nursing home, children in orphanage and people in underdeveloped areas.

I have many hobbies, among which I think French horn is quite unique . As the representative of Chinese symphony orchestra and chairman of brass band department, I once participated in the International High School Student Symphony. Our performance was highly acclaimed by the organizer. In my spare time, I organized several wind quartet performances with my schoolmates, and donated all the money to the school Red Cross.

University Of XXX enjoys worldwide fame and boasts large number of international students, so I will exert myself to enrich their extra-curricular activities.

Thanks, it is a great help.