TOEFL Essay,"It was easy in past to identify career or job"

Hi,

I am submitting this essay after a long time please help me by checking and correcting this essay. Thanks.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It was easier for people in the past to identify which type of career or job has a secure or successful future.
Use specific reasons and examples for your opinion.

Finding good job is a very difficult task in today's competitive world. This is because industrialization, privatization and globalization. In early days, there were limited options, people used to prefer jobs like government jobs or home business which are secure and spend their whole life by doing that jobs. So, it was simple in the past to choose our career.

Nowadays, Industrialization has brought drastic changes in job market. Increasing industries helped in the economic development of the country which has changed social life of people. Technological innovation has also brought a lot of changes in industrialization. All these changes have opened various opportunities for people so they started moving towards these new opportunities.

Privatization is another important factor which has made competition more strong. Privatization is nothing but the converting public sector into private sector. I remember, after completing graduation my family forced me to do government job only because most of my family members are in public sector and they think that public sector has a secure career but, I wanted to enter in private sector because private sector has more money and opportunities. In early days, when there was no privatization people did not have choices but, now they have and therefore they are turning from public sector to private sector.

In addition, globalization has made possible to connect with world. People started trading, communicating and exchanging products and services globally. This has opened new more opportunities on international level. So, people started moving overseas for such great opportunities. However, before all these, people could not even think to move from one city to another. It was difficult for them but, nowadays development in transportation has made it possible to move overseas.

Finally, competition has raised a lot and also increasing day by day. Sometimes, people cannot identify their career in this competitive world and get confused. Industrialization, privatization and globalization have made these competitions more strong so as compared to today's life it was really easy in the past to identify our career.

Thanks,
Ana.

I think you should improve the organization of the introduction. The highlighted sentence includes the points that you discussed them in the body. In fact, you argued each point in one paragraph. This is great, but there is a very very important problem herein. U should move the red color sentence to the end of the introduction because it is a BLUEPRINT. In fact this sentence connects the introduction to the body. U should always write the blueprint as the last sentence of the introduction. For more information about "BLUEPRINT" u can google it or you can find it in the book entitled "The Practical Writer With Reading".

Regards
Ahmad