IELTS task 2 - Eating habit in many nations are the key factors of citizenry who are getting obese

Hello friends.. Please kindly review my writing.

Increasing number of overweight people

In some countries, the average of weight of people is increase and their level of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Eating habit in many nations are the key factors of citizenry who are getting heavier. This affects on the low level of health issues. Rising tax for fast food and subsidies organic food are the governmental action, which might be the prominent solution to tackle the problem.

More and more people in developing countries were deal with health crisis and improving the overweight case. Why would this happen? Undoubtedly, sedentary lifestyle, like consuming processed food becomes popular part of modern life due to affordable price and taste scrumptiously. Moreover, fresh food and vegetable were uneconomical. 55% of residents in Thailand cannot afford healthy food and they were gaining their weight because they consume high amount of innutritious diet, such as pizza. They do not only suffer from the obesity but also other malignant disease, like blood pressure and fatty liver disease.

Imposing higher excise and lower the cost of healthy food are the best alternative to scheme unhealthy eating habit in society. In accordance with those scheme, people have a tendency to process their proper meals with organic ingredients because the price were lower and junk food becomes unaffordable. Moreover, they can guarantee the hygiene of the food. Most of wealthy country, like England and America were establish those regulation since a decade to encourage people start their healthy lifestyle. Therefore, in 2020, the number of obesity decreased dramatically in both countries.

In conclusion, government should be able to implement a high tax along with inexpensive healthy diet to help people who cannot purchase fruits and vegetables in their life, and as an alternative, they only eat junk food in order to saturate their primary needs.

The first paragraph is a restatement of the original prompt. It is not an expanded presentation of your opinion. Perhaps you had difficulty in paraphrasing due to your lack of fluency in English. Let me show you how the paraphrase should have been presented instead:

There is a global problem when it comes to the rising body mass of people. It has resulted in a downward good physical condition for most people. Some causes of these problems are related to the eating habits of people. The situation can be resolved by placing higher taxes on unhealthy foods.

Now, the original prompt is asking for plural discussions in relation to the problems and solutions presented. You are only presenting one problem and one solution in your presentation. You should be discussing at least 2 of each in a related manner, within one paragraph. So your essay misses the discussion requirement and will be scored as not having fully developed the required discussion points. That will be a large deduction of points for you which could affect your ability to pass the test, even if you did write more than the minimum word requirement. Always make sure to double check the instructions and present the discussion as required.

For this essay, the discussion points must present related problems and solutions because the focus of the essay is on testing your conciseness and clarity within the presentation. That is why you are asking to present at least 2 problems and solutions in one paragraph. You have to show your ability to use less words to explain things clearly to the reader.

Sadly, even without presenting 2 of each in your paragraphs, I have to say that your reasoning suffers from clarity and cohesiveness problems. These stem mostly from your inability to properly form proper English sentences. A situation that arose from your improper use of English words, which will definitely lower your LR score. While you did have some valid discussion points, the paragraph was difficult to read and could cause some stress for the reader who may find it difficult to connect your discussion with the words that you used. Hence, the clarity problem.

I would advise you to focus on sentence development exercises alongside your essay writing exercises. You have to develop your English vocabulary in relation to sentence usage. The word meaning exercises that are freely available online should be able to help you overcome that problem.

Believe me, I can see that you are an intelligent person based on your writing. You just need to improve the problem points before you can clearly and properly format your sentence presentations. I know that additional exercises and familiarizing yourself with English through reading materials can help you achieve that.

By the way, never present a question in the middle of a Task 2 essay. That is never done because oftentimes, the exam taker ends up forgetting what the original discussion is about and focuses instead on the self - made question within the essay. This could cause a prompt deviation on your part, which could result in your failing the essay because you no longer discussed the original prompt. Avoid posing rhetorical questions in the future. It will not be helpful to your essay.