IELTS Writing task 2 - Economic developments result in losing traditional values

Topic: Many countries are trying to improve the standard of living through economic development. However, some people think that traditional values are lost as a result of this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

traditional ways of life have been lost

Economic growth is likely to contribute to a thriving business in a country. While some people argue that economic developments lead to the loss of traditional cultures, personally I completely disagree with this point of view.

It might be reasonable that authorities are trying their best to foster their country's economy in order that their basic needs have been improved. To begin with, they allow foreign companies to build industries in their country to provide more employment opportunities for native people. Furthermore, overseas companies are also able to cooperate with local businessman. As a result, many products in their country can be exported to foreign nations, helping their country's status on a global stage in terms of trading power. Lastly, their citizens can receive excellent pay packages from corporations due to the increase of companies' profits, which can help them improve their living standard.

However, I believe that traditional values seem to be unaffected by boosting the country's economy. On the contrary, this is likely to maintain and develop traditional factors. To give just one example, today Vietnam has many traditional handicraft villages to meet their own needs but several households that create handicraft works have changed their jobs due to low revenues. Fortunately, their skillful products have been known by foreign enterprises and therefore have sold in many different countries around the world. Local people have turned back their careers and have continued to create sophisticated handicrafts.

On the whole, it seems to me that traditional ways of life have been lost as a result of economic developments. By contrast, it can be considered as an important factor to preserve the traditions and customs of their own cultures.

------

This is the first time I have posted my essay on this website. I have taken part in IELTS tests many times but I haven't reached 6.5 score. I was totally upset and I hope everyone can help me correct my essay to improve my writing skills. Really thank you so much

@juntrinh
Hello, both of your topic sentences must be clearer. I think that your topics sentences would be the answers for "Why do you disagree with that statement?". You'd better think about two ideas that are related closely to your viewpoint and use them to make the main idea of your paragraphs.

In addition, the conclusion makes me confused that i think it contrasts to your point in the body part, right?

Trinh, I believe that the main reason that you were unable to pass your test before is because of your improper prompt representation in the opening / paraphrasing statement. You failed to use keywords from the original prompt that would have kept your discussion in line with the original presentation. An example of a proper paraphrase for this essay is :

Countries have been trying to improve the standard of living of its people through the development of the country's economy. The problem, is that some people believe that this sort of improvement leads to the loss of traditional values. I tend to disagree with this point of view for several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.

If you compare my paraphrasing with what you wrote, you will notice that there is a prompt deviation and misrepresentation in the one that you wrote. Additionally, you totally added your personal opinion as a factual discussion which should not have been done. You should have merely outlined the discussion points and then represented whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Remember, in an "or" situation, you pick one side to discuss and develop the body paragraphs around that point of view. You did not do that in this case. You chose to discuss both points of view instead. That shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements, which led to your low score in the actual exam. You need to be able to tell the difference between an opinion essay and a compare and contrast essay. In this case, the "or" indication meant that this was solely an opinion essay.

I think your conclusion is quite confused and your topic sentences should be more shorter but still make sense. The contributor made a very useful comment on your essay, so that's all what I want to say. Good luck to you!