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IELTS - Education should be considered as the most important factor in a country's success


phuoc 7 / 13 4  
Sep 4, 2014   #1
Economic progress is often used to measure a country's success. However, some people believe that other factors are more important. What other factors should also be considered when measuring a country's success? Do you think one factor is more important than others?

Some experts usually evaluate a country's development based on its economy alone. However there are more important factors contributing to the success of a nation, and among which education should be considered as the most important element.

The success of a country depends on a number of aspects in close relationship. Beside the economy, the national education, health, environment and culture play even more significant roles. In fact, the education provides skilled workforces for a country's job market. In addition, the remaining factors help to define the living standard and the sustainable development of that country. Take Vietnam for an example. If the government had allowed mining raw resources in highland areas, its forests would have been destroyed and its water resources would have been polluted. What seemed economically benefited at first would have resulted in a great impact to the environment and people heath, costing a large amount of government budget to fix problems.

In my opinion, among all factors that decide a national advancement, education plays the most important part. Firstly, every individuals need to be educated to the right level before they can join the workforce, especially when the modern work place is becoming more knowledge-based. These people will directly determine the quality and gains a country can make. Another important point is that without education, people have to turn to jobs which are usually low-paid, or they even hardly find a job. These people will rely on unemployment or low-income support from the government. Also, companies with low quality employers will hardly compete with others overseas.

In conclusion, there are many factors which are more important than the economy of a country in accessing its success, and education should be considered as the most important part.
funny_sun89 1 / 1  
Sep 4, 2014   #2
first of all, your introduction is too wordy. If I were you, I would write the introduction like this:

Economic progress is often used to measure a country's success. However, some people believe that other factors play more important roles, among which education should be considered as a leading element.

In the first body paragraph, why do you focus on so many aspects that it cannot persuade me to believe that education is the most important factor?

In my opinion, you should focus on the reasons why education is important in both of body paragraphs.
patriot1776 2 / 5 2  
Sep 6, 2014   #3
Firstly, every individuals need to be educated to the right level

*individual needs
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Sep 9, 2014   #4
in close relationship

linked directly to each other

thenational education, health, environment and culture

In fact, the education provides skilled workforce

A high quality of education can guarantee a better quality of next generation of workers.
You are talking about education in general so "the" is not necessary.

Take Vietnam for an example. If the government had allowed mining raw resources in highland areas, its forests would have been destroyed and its water resources would have been polluted. What seemed economically benefited at first would have resulted in a great impact to the environment and people heath, costing a large amount of government budget to fix problems.

This part doesn't clarify how other factors contribute to the growth of a nation.
This

In my opinion, among all factors that decide a national advancement, education plays the most important part.

In my opinion, education is the most important factor to assess the success of a country.

every individuals needsto the right level
gela07 2 / 10  
Sep 9, 2014   #5
as I observed in your essay you should balance the sentences in each paragraph because in your first and second paragraph it has 2 to 3 sentences.

Then the body of your paragraph has 5 to 6 sentences and your conclusion has only 1 sentence. Try to explain further your opinion in your conclusion and leave a take home message for the readers.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 10, 2014   #6
your intro is written well, but I found a small mistake that most ielts takers give less attention,,after the word such as : however, therefore, etc,,you should put a comma

Beside the economy, the national education, health, environment and culture play even more significant roles. In fact, the education provides skilled workforces for a country's job market.

this one,,it will be better if you explain more about some points above,,

Also, companies with low quality employers will hardly compete with others overseas.

to make it clear,,you can add some relevant examples from what is happening now in this planet
brocknroll 2 / 2  
Sep 10, 2014   #7
I really think that your essay could use some facts. Maybe if you looked up how increased spending on education helps the economy by creating a more educated workforce. There isn't really any strong correlation between education and success presented in your essay. Maybe you could use South Korea as an example where education is strongly valued and has created success by increasing GDP or the likes.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Sep 10, 2014   #8
Some experts usually evaluate a country's development based on its economy alone. However there are more important factors contributing to the success of a nation, and among which education should be considered as the most important element.

Well, I did not see you present a solid thesis here. Use periodic sentence as thesis statement. Have a look at this example:
Although it seems simple, mastering grammar requires many years of practice (periodic sentence)
Mastering grammar requires many years of practice although it seems simple (non-periodic sentence)

there are many factors which are more important than the economy of a country in accessing its success, and education should be considered as the most important part.

Education should be considered as the most important part if compared to the economic sectors of a country when assessing its success
patriot1776 2 / 5 2  
Oct 4, 2014   #9
Firstly, every individuals need to be educated to the right level before they can join the workforce, especially when the modern work place is becoming more knowledge-based.

- Don't use firstly, try first of all or
- This sentence doesn't flow of the tongue
-Try rewording
-Maybe, First of all, due to our knowledge based economy, it is imperative that each individual receives a proper education.
SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Oct 6, 2014   #10
I think your argument here is weak. It seems that you are talking about people, rather than the success of a nation.


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