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IELTS 2: education on junk food overconsumption. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion.

sandyhsu 3 / 5  
Feb 22, 2020   #1

Food standards in education

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In recent years, there are a large number of people having obsessed with junk food, therefore, researchers believe that this phenomenon will result in health problems. Although some people argue that such issues can be addressed through education, others hold opposite perspective on it. In this essay, I will breakdown both thoughts and state my own view.

Advocates state that inculcating consumers with healthy dietary style is undoubtedly the best solution because of raising concerns on nutritional values. It is their view that a large proportion of customers ignores the fact that these unhealthy food is invariably high in sugar and salt. Nonetheless, with modest education, understanding the consequences of consuming an excessive amount of junk food can help them realise the importance of forming a wholesome dietary habit. As a result, they believe that consumers will ultimately alter their diet patterns by decreasing the frequencies of purchasing such merchandise or increasing the intake of greenery vegetables.

However, opponents think that it is impossible to reduce individual's addiction to junk food merely by education. They believe that the vast majority of consumers clearly know the detrimental effects on health, however, because of its convenience and low cost, they cannot help being a slave to such products. In addition, they also insist that education will only have negligible effects if related national policies do not regulate the advertisements and promotions on junk food. For instance, government can pose higher taxations on these products and limit the content of junk food advertising, so that fewer customers will be attracted by relatively low prices and appealing marketing strategies.

In conclusion, although education plays a significant role in ceasing people from overconsuming junk food, I firmly believe that it is inevitably never enough to resolve the issues. Concreted efforts should also be executed by national administrations.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4249  
Feb 22, 2020   #2
You cannot include your opinion in the concluding paragraph because you are required to support your opinion with personal knowledge, experience, or public observations. In this case, you got the essay right for the first 3 presentations. Remember to count your paragraphs so that you will not forget to write a strong personal opinion. The essay requires two public opinion discussions, plus your point of view. So, if you add up everything you have to do with the essay, you end up with a 5 paragraph requirement. Each paragraph is represented as:

- Paraphrase with restated discussion instructions
- POV 1
- POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Concluding restatement based on the preceding information.

The last paragraph has to restate your opinion, provide a reminder of the 3 pov discussions by providing reworded topic sentences, then closing the essay with a tie-up sentence.

Good job with your discussion though. It is clear even though there are still some grammar issues. It isn't too stressful for the reader to understand. You should keep practicing writing English sentences and watching English sub-titled movies to further improve your sentence development skills.
serbinax 7 / 19 7  
Feb 22, 2020   #3
There are some problems with grammar:
In your first sentence you used the perfect participle incorrectly, because this sentence should be describing the cause and the effect (which it is doing), and it should be the sentence where the subject is the same (which it is not doing since you changed the subject from a large number of people to researchers).

Let me give you an example:
Having finished dinner, the children were allowed to play.
The perfect participle, "having finished" (having +V3), means "because and after they (children) finished dinner....". Therefore, you need to restructure this sentence based on correct grammar.

"hold opposite perspective" requires an article and should be "hold an opposite perspective"
"these unhealthy food" should either be "this unhealthy food" or "these unhealthy foods"
"understanding the consequences" requires an article and should be "an understanding the consequences"
"Realise" should be "realize"
I believe what you mean by "they cannot help being a slave to such products" should be "they cannot help but be a slave to such products" which means "to have no choice except to do something".

"Concreted efforts" should be "concrete efforts". I also think efforts cannot be executed. Maybe a better sentence "Concrete actions should be undertaken by national administrations".

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