[IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Education from school or parents?

Hi. I'm now learning the Ielts but i'm not sure what is my current band of writing. Can you help me check it and give me a certain band if possible? Any help will be appreciated.

Parent Engagement in Children's Learning

Topic: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

While some people believe that caregivers should take the responsibility for teaching children the way to become good members of society, others contend that it is the task of the educational system. From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary.

On the one hand, it is the family life that has the greatest impact on the personality of children. A child by nature mimics what his parents do because he spends most of his time with them. In other words, whether his behavior is good or bad depends largely on how the caretakers teach him. For example, if a mother throws rubbish in the trash can, her children will think that it is the right thing to do and keep doing it after that. In contrast, it can be terrible if children listen to their parents using bad language and copy it. Therefore, parents being good role models is absolutely important in forming moral values for their children, especially from an early age.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why school plays a vital role in teaching children to be good humans. Firstly, students can learn academic lessons from teachers at the public education system, which are not usually taught at home. In order to make a positive contribution to the society, one needs to have both good moral qualities and knowledge. A basic ground work of academic knowledge paves the way for children to study further and thus can serve the community better. For instance, it is essential for a doctor to both be humane and to have deep understandings about medicine. Secondly, school is similar to a miniature society because each student has a different background and characteristics. Interacting with teachers and friends enables students to learn how to respect differences among them. For this reason, children can be more sociable when they grow up.

In conclusion, the roles that the family and the educational system possess in raising children to be civilized people are equally important. Therefore, I believe that both sides have to work together to offer the best education for their children.

Heelllooo there.., let me help you for this.

When it comes to introduction paragraph, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. Good paraphrasing not only replaces the original words with yours, but also changes the sentence structures. In any case, I see you leave an unnecessary sentence: From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary, I say this since this sentence brings no value, as no idea is presented here.

Body paragraph 2 needs more improvement on the way you develop the example. A 1-sentence example is not enough to support your claim, as the main objective of the example is to break down your claim into details.

The conclusion sounds repetitive. Repetition brings you score a 6 in Task Response.

Last but not least, you need to use a wide range of sentence structures as to improve your Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Compound and Complex Sentence and Inverted Sentences are two of them you need to tackle.

Hope this helps

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia

Hi. Thank you for your feedback. I find it really helpful.
But there is a thing that i don't really understand. Since you say that this sentence: "From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary" has no idea in it, can you suggest me how to write a sentence expressing my opinion that makes sense? I honestly do not know how to do it.

@trinhmaicoi

Try to not be repetitive when you're constructing your essay. When you find yourself repeating the same sentence or phrase about more than two times in a single paragraph, always be wary and seek for alternatives. Remember that when you are constructing your essay, your goal is to be able to add as much substance and direction to its content. That is to say that you should try to be more straightforward; never go back to the same line of thought even as you are concluding your paragraph. Be concise.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. If I were you, I would revise some portions as:
[...] it is the family that has the greatest impact on children. A child naturally mimics what his parents do because of the time he spends with them. [...] if the children hear their parents using bad language, they would do the same.

I also recommend being more wary with your words. For instance, it is unnecessary to mention that it's good moral qualities (just opt to say that one needs to have morals and knowledge) as it becomes redundant.

Aside from that, I think that you have a decent sentence construction. Best of luck!