Hello everyone!
I've never seen this topic before so it was difficult for me to write the essay due to lack of knowledge. Moreover, I usually make mistakes in grammar, so if there is anything wrong, please help me correct it. Thanks a lot for your help!
Sports at school
Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all school. Others, however, think that this would have a little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
It is widely acknowledged that sports play a pivotal role in our lives. However, the impact of physical education on student health remains a polarizing topic. While a school of thought holds that making PE an obligatory subject is the optimal method in order to improve the general health of schoolchildren, others claim that this has just a small impact. Both views are justifiable, nevertheless, I am predisposed to agree with the latter view.
It is understandable why some people advocate physical education to be mandatory at school. The key rationale in favor of this view is that sports have a tremendous benefit on students, not only on their health but also on their lifestyle. Moreover, this subject can also earn schoolchildren who excel in it praises, privileges and opportunities to engage in further sports competitions. However, this policy may have an adverse effect on the majority of students. The fact that schoolchildren nowadays have to study a host of subjects leads to a state of fatigue, especially in adolescents. Not only do they have to maintain good grades in the compulsory subjects, but also those which they are not fascinated in, namely PE, etc. As a result, they may lose incentive to study.
Instead of the aforementioned approach, I hold a belief that physical education is not necessary for school since there are a lot more elements that determine whether an individual is healthy or not. Nowadays, young people tend to digest junk food which includes cholesterol, fat lipid, and harmful substances. Therefore, the school should offer some culinary nutrition courses and encourage students to get rid of the toxic food due to the long-term effects. If students do sports often at school but not having a balanced diet, then everything will be in vain. My school perfectly exemplifies this principle. It provides sports courses for students who are into this field and always rewards them after each course. Furthermore, nutrition courses are organized to change students' eating habits positively. Consequently, not only does this form relieve schoolchildren from exam worries, but it also guides them to a healthier lifestyle.
In conclusion, while there are rationales to advocate the idea of making physical education obligatory, I am of the opinion that there are other ways to stay healthy rather than do exercises.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 I can understand why you said that you were unfamiliar with the topic. You were unable to properly discuss the essay as per the discussion requirements which are:
- Discuss both points of view
- Give your opinion
One of the ways that you could have discussed this essay effectively is:
- Offer a topic restatement at the start of the reasoning paragraph. This will give you the topic sentence. Then, explain the topic based on your personal experience, but using a group pronoun approach. At the end of the explanation, you can present your personal opinion on the given paragraph topic. You can use this style for the 2 paragraphs and quickly conclude the essay.
However, the more effective approach is to :
Do a compare and contrast discussion of the topic in 2 separate paragraphs. Then present a personal opinion in the third paragraph, representing an analysis of the given topics. This format allows you to impress the examiner more with your GRA and C&C skills. The danger of the former format, is that you might not be able to fully explain yourself with the combined discussion paragraph. So for beginners, I suggest going with the 2 reasoning paragraph and one personal opinion paragraph presentation instead. It makes it easier for you to discuss the 2 topics, without cluttering the presentation with confusing statements.
Your essay seems to just keep on repeating the original prompt, There is no clear discussion and there is a lack of proper referencing to discussion points. The whole essay is confusing to read and prevents the examiner from learning about your English writing skills. When you cannot really represent an explanation of the topics provided, your TA score may not reach a passing score and as such, prevent the whole essay from reaching the 5 band score.
