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Essay about education with the on-screen sources

Thanhquyen 1 / -  
Sep 22, 2019   #1
In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want.

To what extent should children have to follow rules?

Nowadays, the development of the information technology has governed almost every aspect of our life. While some people take a view that traditional teaching plays a significant role in students' achievement, I strongly believe learners can obtain more knowledge through on-screen resources such as the Internet.

It is obvious that the global data system in terms of social networking or mobile devices have brought about a great deal of knowledge, raging from workaday concerns to globally urgent issues such as economy or greenhouse gases, the list is simply endless. For example, a man is going to have a speech about historical subject next week, but he has no idea. Thanks to the usefulness of the information available, he can get access to a wealth of material and find almost anything he wishes through Google. In fact, theoretical school curriculum is bound to prevent students from realizing their great individual potential. In addition, the needs and learning styles of each student are fundamentally different that a standardized curriculum cannot meet.

Let us now go back to the controversial topic. Most supporters of teachers-read-and-students-write method would argue that the presence of qualified teachers is of profound importance in helping learners acquire knowledge. However, according to statistics, there are approximately 43.5 percent of Vietnamese students become alienated and bored by traditional teaching ways. In stark contrast, digital learning tools give students opportunities to regulate great learning habits and make education more productive. Moreover, going online to study provides a more visual and lively experience for self-learners of all ages by uniting not only pictorial contents but also audio scripts.

To conclude, in the context of The Fourth Industrial Revolution, teachers are no longer the only guidance for students. Again, I strongly believe that self-motivated learners can obtain far more knowledge from cyber-resources and customize the wide range of materials to fit their interests and learning styles.

jocelyne001 9 / 21 13  
Sep 23, 2019   #2

I have some suggestions for you. Firstly, it seems that the question and the content of your essay cannot be matched. What the question asks is whether should parents let children develop freely or set strict rules on them, mostly concerning with the impact of rules on their behaviours. However, your essay is mainly talking about the advantage of on-screen resources. For me, it is a little out of topic. Secondly, I think you can still improve the structure of your essay. In the second paragraph, the point is good, but there is no topic sentence in the beginning. For writing Ielts essay, maybe it is better to write some phrases to remind readers the statement like the major rationale for, the advantage of, so it would not take readers too much time to guess what you want to say and it is easier to follow your ideas. Also, I believe it is better to make your point of view more accessible, especially in the third paragraph, since some uses of adverbs at the beginning of sentences only make me feel more confused.

Despite the suggestions above, I reckon that you have a fairly wide range of vocabulary and are able to use a variety of sentences. Therefore, after revising some problems mentioned, I believe it would be a good essay.

Hope my suggestions are helpful for you.

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