Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 4


'The eggs' - My Narrative Essay



Ruby3561 3 / 2  
Apr 14, 2008   #1
The assignment is a two page double spaced narrative essay on any topic of our choosing. I was wondering if anyone could look at what I have done so far. I'm not sure what to add next but I like the topic. Also, do you think it drags to much? Please let me know. And, of course, it's due tomorrow, so any help is greatly appreciated.

She had traveled longer than this before, but for some reason, the journey was getting to her this time. Perhaps it was the bitter cold she had endured during this last leg of the journey, or maybe it was the large sack she carried on her back. The purple and gold woven bag was the reason for her journey through the east woods, which would eventually lead her to Glasscastle: a more illustrious, but less accessible forest. The woman drew her long cloak tightly around her, hoping the thick material would warm her. She walked slowly but purposefully as her legs crunched over hardened snow and glided over ice, but she never faltered as she knew the importance of this journey.

Moments later, she came to a deep stream that had frozen over. She knew she had cross this stream, but must be, as always, gentle with the contents of her bag. She removed the sack from her back, and stretched her arm to gently place it down on the other side of the stream in the snow. She climbed down onto frozen water, pausing quickly to marvel at the water slowly rushing beneath the ice before steadily making her way across. She hoisted up her sack and held it carefully to her chest before peeking inside with her wide green eyes.

The eggs looked the same as they always did, if not a bit larger, which was good. Hopefully they would be ready to hatch by the time she reached Glasscastle. The eggs were heavy and usually varied in size and color, but just by looking she could tell you what was inside each of the three she carried. The circular red one with the gold flecks was a Phoenix, and even now she could feel the warmth of fire inside its shell. The pointed egg with an icy blue color was a Frost Dragon, and inside the small marble sized egg with silver swirls was a faerie.

The eggs belonged not to her, but to her father, who used to travel far and wide searching for suitable owners for these magical creatures. Her father, however, was too old to travel by foot the way she had been, and so she had taken over.

"You are the keeper of the eggs now," he told her as she left, and she remembered that every day of her journey. It was now her job to travel across the country with the eggs, finding owners, and making connections. She was the Hatcher now, and she continued her journey into Glasscastle Forest. She wasn't far, and she could see lush green trees ahead, which were markedly different from the bare trees she left behind her with icicles drifting off. Coming into Glasscastle was like walking into a different season; she went from barren winter to a lush spring where everything was in bloom.

She came to a lush clearing surrounded by trees around sunset, and she set the bag down gently. The pink hues of dusk filtered through the trees creating the perfect amount of dim light as she began to kindle a fire. Its orange flames flickered and warmed her up while she took the eggs out of her sack. Inside the sack was also a small amount of straw stuffing that served as cushioning for the eggs, and she set three lumps of it around the fire before setting each egg on top. They would be coming soon, and she wanted to be ready.

They were people who wanted the eggs, who would take them home and care for them the way she could not. Each time she wished she could keep the eggs for herself, but she spent too much time traveling that she would never be able to properly care for any creature her father came across. That didn't stop her from dreaming though.

EF_Team2 1 / 1703  
Apr 15, 2008   #2
Greetings!

I love your descriptive detail! This is a really great story, and I like the topic, too! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

She knew she had to cross this stream, but must be, as always, gentle with the contents of her bag.

The eggs were heavy and usually varied in size and color, but just by looking she could tell what was inside each of the three she carried. (Avoid lapsing into the second person "you.")

Her father, however, was too old to travel by foot the way she could, and so she had taken over.

which were markedly different from the bare trees she left behind her with icicles drifting off. - Snow drifts, but icicles really don't; better would be "with icicles hanging like daggers from every twig."

She came to a lush clearing surrounded by trees around sunset, and she set the bag down gently. - You've just used "lush"; I'd rewrite it like this, to avoid repetition and make it less awkward: Around sunset, she came to a tranquil clearing, surrounded by tall oaks. (Sometimes it can give your writing more flavor to use a specific reference like "oaks" rather than a general one like "trees.")

she spent so much time traveling that she would never be able to properly care for any creature her father came across.

You're only a sentence or two shy of two pages. I might end with something like "She sat gazing into the fire, watching the dance of the flames as the night drew its dark cloak around her. Now and then, she reached out a hand to softly touch the eggs, one by one. They were warm to her touch, and she smiled."

Of course, there are a million ways you could end it, but your writing is so good, I couldn't resist trying my hand at it! :-)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP Ruby3561 3 / 2  
Apr 15, 2008   #3
Thank you so much! These were my last sentences:

That didn't stop her from dreaming, though. Most people thought that these creatures were just myths, and she derived pleasure from knowing their reality, so at least she had that. It also made her happy to find homes for the eggs she realized, staring into the fire, as she heard the sound of twigs crunching underfoot that snapped her out of her reverie. It was what she did, and what she loved..
EF_Team2 1 / 1703  
Apr 16, 2008   #4
Greetings!

I like your ending! It gives good insight into her character. For better comprehension, you might want to change the penultimate (next-to-last) sentence just slightly. I'd do it like this:

It also made her happy to find homes for the eggs, she realized, staring into the fire, until the sound of twigs crunching underfoot snapped her out of her reverie.

Even if you decide not to change it, do put a comma after "eggs."

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


Home / Writing Feedback / 'The eggs' - My Narrative Essay
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳