IELTS 2 - Electronic Media negative influence; people become introvert and less active socially

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Electronic media has a significant role in relationship of people to other people. People who use electronic media can get a bad impact on personal relationships among people. Whilst I believe that electronic media brings some benefits to people, I firmly believe that a negative effect of it is bigger than positive effect.

First of all, electronic media bringing people becomes an introvert as people become having a tendency to spend their time alone. For example, today people have at least one smartphone which can help them to connect to their colleague, relatives, and friends without meeting directly such as making a call, sending a message, or even email. It can affect to psychological condition of people. They become having more closed personality. As a result, people feel awkward, at the moment they meet other people and have difficulties to say something in direct communication. It can make misunderstanding. It is evidence that electronic media brings a negative effect on personal connection.

In addition, electronic media causes people having problem in social lives as they become rare to do interaction to other people. They tend taking plenty of time to play their electronic media such as laptop and mobile phone. For instance, many people who are exist in public space such as restaurant tend to use their mobile phone, whereas they gather with their friends. As a consequence, they do less interaction such making conversation. It can be seen from the example that electronic media have bad impact on personal relationship between people.

However, electronic media has a positive effect on people's relationship. It can connect among people in a great way. For example, sometimes people need to send message to other people in a swift time which can be obtained through electronic media such smartphone. As a result, people have a good personal relationship to others. That is no wonder that electronic media has a good effect in personal relationship.

The aforementioned shows that electronic media has more a negative impact than positive effect on personal connection among people.

Hey There !

First of all, great effort on this essay! But do allow me to make some suggestions :

Electronic media has a significant role in relationshipsof people to other people .

Whilst I believe that electronic media brings some benefits to people
I don't actually think that this sentence is actually needed, this sentence doesn't link to the previous sentence.

electronic media bringing people becomes an introvert as people become having a tendency to spend their time alone. This sentence is not correct, here's my go on it.

Electronic media manipulates people, making them spend most of their time alone with their gadgets just like sitting behind invisible bars , therefore slowly becoming an introvert.

It can affect the psychological condition of many users .

They become having a more closed personality

It can make misunderstanding. = Misunderstandings are bound to happen.

PS : Your first paragraph didn't make the essential connection of how using gadgets would affect communication. It is understood that there will be difficulties communicating, but how ?

to have interaction with other people.

They tend totake plenty

As a consequence = consequently.
Your second paragraph is a repetition of the first, your way of delivering varied but your points are the same. Your examples aren't strong as you have slight grammar mistakes.

electronic media has had a positive effect on people's relationship
It can connect among people in a great way.

Your last paragraph is the exact opposite of what you are trying to say, you said that is had a bad effect at first but later you stated that you think that it has a good effect, please be careful of the words you use, they can change your whole presentation.

Thanks!
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to tag my name! I am gald to help!

Hi Linda91 Let me check your essay

here some corrections

Electronic media has a significant role in a relationship of people to otherspeople . People who use electronic media users can get a bad impact on personal relationships among people . Whilst I believe that electronic media brings some benefits for human lifeto people , I firmly believe that athe negative effects of it isare bigger than positive effects .

First of all, electronic media tends to lead people becoming an introvert and havingbringing people becomes an introvert as people become having a tendency to spend their time alone.

... smartphone which can help them to connect towith their colleagues , relatives, and friends ... It can affect to a psychological condition of people.

It can make a misunderstanding.

Hy Linda. I would argue that your essay is good, but I wanna give you some suggestions and I hope these will help you.

1. you have to concern on grammatical accuracy.
a. ... obtained through electronic media suchsuch as or like smartphone.
b. ... media have bad impact on personal relationship betweenamong people.
between: is used when you mention two things
among: is used when you mention more than two things

2. you need to choose appropriate word
a. ... as they become rare to do direct interaction towith other people.

thank you

Electronic media has a significant role in relationship ofamong people to other people .
... get a bad impact on personal relationships among people .
... I firmly believe that a negative effect of it is biggermore much than positive effect.

First of all, electronic media bringing people to becomes an introvert becausetheytendas people become having a tendency to spend their time alone.

good job linda. :)