One request for you ; post your TOEFL essays under " Writing Feedback" category :)
In today's job market where there are various workers that can satisfy the demand of all kinds of jobs.
... this sentence sounds incomplete. No clear idea is expressed here :(In today's job market, the demand for employment varies according to their experience. Some companies demand for inexperienced workers because they can be hired at a lower salary scale. However, some other companies who are more concerned about having a higher productivity, prefer to employ experienced workers.
From my point of view, hiring experienced workers at a higher salary not only lifts the working efficiency markedly but also reduces the cost of management in the long term.
... good... you express your opinion direct and clear :)
First and foremost, compared to recruiting an inexperienced worker at a lower salary, there is no doubt that hiring an experienced worker at a higher salary will definitely make the company run more smoothly.
... this sentence is too long and hence disturbs your flow. Avoid long sentences because you tend to get carried away as you keep on writing. Improve clarity with shorter sentences.