IELTS writing Task 1 : The Employment of Both Sexes by Occupation in UK in 2005

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of total workers on various occupations in Great Britain based on gender over a 12-month period in 2015. Overall, it can be seen that there are 9 categories on profession in which woman dominated on white-collar jobs, while blue-collar jobs were partaken by man.

Moving to white collar jobs, administrative and secretarial were the first-rank for female, approximately 22%, compared to one in twenty for male. More than a tenth of woman worked as sales and customer service, professional and technical community, and managers and senior officials, while man as manager and senior professional showed a high rate approximately 17%, followed by less than 15% in other blue-collar jobs.

A 2015 experienced that the majority of boys was handled in blue-collar jobs which showed by a fifth male on skilled trades, with more than 12% male worker as professional, operator of process, plant and machine, and catering assistant and labour. In addition, the portion of men on personal service witnessed the same percentage of female in trading and operating, roughly 2%. While both female professional and catering worker were similar percentage, they also expert on personal service, almost 15%.

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Good night liv_ryu , your essay is good, i have suggestions to your introduction paragraph.

Your structure paragraph is also good.
as we know the word of dominated, it is much more than others.


My opinion :
A comparison of the proportion of total workers on various occupations in Great Britain based on gender over a year in 2015 is depicted in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that there are nine categories on profession in which women dominated, the others were partaken by man

Lily, let me try to give you some feedback regarding to your Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Task Achievement:
- You missed some important facts that falsely explained and makes your essay becomes inaccurate.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Some sentences are still confusing, this makes your essay is not really fulfill this part properly.

Lexical Resource:
- You accidentally made some noticeable errors in word formation and I see some repetitive words were existed. Unfortunately, these errors caused difficulty for the reader.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- It is unfortunate that you only use limited range of structures.
- I notice your attempt to create some complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.
- Some of your grammatical errors caused difficulty to the reader.

Here's what I've found:
- in 20152005(wrong fact(s) can badly damage your score)
- ...it can be seen that, there (comma is needed)
- ...approximately 22% ..........approximately 17% (repetitive)
- managers and senior officials, while.... While both female professional... (another repetitive problem)
- A 2015 experienced that the majority of boys was handled
- at roughly 2%.......... at almost 15%...... at approximately 22% (missing preposition(s))

There you are Lily, I hope my insights towards your essay will be helpful.
Keep writing and Good Luck :)