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Essay on events that have changed Australia's multicultural society - feedback.


dubulee 1 / -  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Question: Identify and discuss three key events in Australia's history that have shaped our multicultural society.

Answer: 500 -700 words
(not finnished)

There are many different key events in Australia's history that have helped shape our multicultural society. One major event was the production of the Snowy Mountain Scheme. It played a vital role in the growth and development of Australia's multicultural society by putting people of different cultures and nationalities together to work equally on a phenomenal project. Another major multicultural breakthrough in Australia was the Gold Rush in the 1850's. It brought a huge influx of immigrants and migrants into Australia, and although at first it caused an unsettlement on the gold fields, Australians and the migrants learnt we are all the same and can live together.

The Snowy Mountains Scheme is an integrated water and hydro-electric power project located in Australia's Southern Alpines. It is regarded as the birthplace of multiculturalism in Australia. It all began in 1949, when there was a shortage of scientific and engineering skills and knowledge in Australia needed to complete the scheme. A large international recruitment programme was carried out to fix the issue. Immigrants from many countries with skills such as tunnelling, surveying, hydrology and geology came together in Australia to work on the scheme. There were 100,000 people working on the scheme between 1949 and 1974, and at least two thirds of them were immigrants from all around the world, such as Great Britain, Germany, Czechoslovakia, Norway and Italy.

(something here about the 1850's Gold Rush...)

The Snowy Mountains Scheme has shaped Australia's multicultural society by bringing people from around the world to and putting them with people of other nationalities and making them work as a team. This showed them that we are all the same and we shouldn't be treated differently.

&& i still need 2 more points and stuff...
Thanks in Advance !

pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
There are many different key events in Australia's history that have helped shape our multicultural society.

^Is that your intro? If so, perhaps, you can elaborate... All you did was, quite frankly, repeat the question asked. Maybe you can start off introducing what multicultural society is and why it is important. You can also add how many countries have influences on each other to make the world it is today.

When it all began in 1949,

you may want to change that to: It all began in 1949 when there was a shortage...

there was a shortage of scientific and engineering skills and knowledge in Australia needed to complete the scheme

You should explain what the Scheme really is. I, not know what a Snowy Mountain Scheme is, have NO clue what the purpose to the scheme was.

A large international recruitment programme was carried out.

I'd add something like "To address this problem" or "To fix this issue". Something of that line to connect to the last sentence.

There were 100,000 people working on the scheme between 1949 and 1974,

Change it to: 100,000 people worked on the scheme between 1949...

Why is Scheme capitalized in some sentences while not in others?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #3
Looking good. If you get inspired, maybe you will come up with a more intriguing first line. This is good, clear, expository writing. Are you required to cite sources, though? Maybe you should put the name of the author in parentheses at the end of sentences that state facts about it (Hacker).

Now consider your purpose as you continue. Is the purpose to make people understand the SMS? If so, great! Be a good teacher, leaving them with something to think about...


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