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Everyone should become vegetarian

AndreiWindy 3 / 7  
Aug 11, 2017   #1
Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Do you agree or disagree?

To Eat or Not to Eat Meat

Nowadays, how to have a good health is always a large question for most of the people. There are many aspects of this problem but a vegetarian diet is more and more popular all over the world. It's so useful that some people suggested we should become vegetarian and don't need to eat meat. In my opinion, I don't absolutely agree with them.

Firstly, we can't deny how great a vegetarian diet brings. Many researches showed that we will use less fat and high in fiber through a vegetarian diet. As the result, we will reduce clearly the risk of illnesses including heart failure, obesity, diabetes which cause millions die each year. Additionally, plant foods supply enough nutrition for us without meat. For example, raw spinach providing all our nutritional needs is proved one of the best foods for the human. Thus, we don't need to eat meat anymore while vegetarian diet not only improves our health but also makes the environment better.

However, some of the plant foods don't supply enough energy for the need of us each day. So if we use it for a long time, our body will be lack of many nutrition. Therefore, we need to balance between vegetarian diet and non-vegetarian diet. Moreover, there are many methods to process plant foods which are different from the occident to the orient. Thus, people will find hard to eat what isn't suitable for their taste and meat is a good choice to make the more delicious meal.

In conclusion, we should eat flexibly both plant foods and meat although vegetarian diet is a good method. But if someone wants to eat absolutely vegetarian diet, they should check their health regularly to find whether their bodies are lack of nutrition or not.

okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Aug 11, 2017   #2
Phong, there are lots of problems with your essay which would drastically reduce your overall score in the real test. First is your inability to do a proper paraphrase of the prompt. Secondly, your thesis statement is not proper. You were asked to agree or disagree so there is no need introducing the phrase, 'In my opinion'. The best approach is to make a thesis statement that agrees or disagrees with the central idea in the question. The thesis statement will form the basis of what you will write in the rest of the paragraphs. Another significant flaw in your essay is the wrong use of the second person pronoun 'We'. The use of 'we' in the entire body of your essay shows that you and at least one other person wrote the essay. If that is the case, then you will score zero already because the question is for you alone to answer and not one or more persons alongside you. This essay is the argumentative type and requires you to structure your thoughts in support or against the school of thought in the topic question. Finally, lack of cohesion will also reduce your score for the essay. Your sentence construction is also not a good one. You need to engage in constant practice and I would recommend that you checked similar essays that have been reviewed in this forum, so that you would have a glimpse of what is required of you. Right now, I cannot score this version of your essay. Engaging in more practices and posting your essays here for review is what I suggest you should care about for now.
hailung 6 / 18 2  
Aug 11, 2017   #3
... a good health is always a large question for ...

- I suggest: a big question

It's so useful that (...) vegetarian and don't need to eat meat.

It's = it is

Don't = do not

Many researches showed that we will use less fat and ...

Use = consume

raw spinach providing all our nutritional needs is proved one ...

You use three verbs in one sentence which is very confusing

vegetarian diet (...) also makes the environment better.

How a vegetarian diet improves our environment?

our body will be lack of many nutrition

nutrition is an uncountable noun thus cannot be accompanied by many. Some is more appropriate

OP AndreiWindy 3 / 7  
Aug 11, 2017   #4
Thank you so much, I'm greatful for your advise. I will try to do better next time. Hoping you will read it.
Thank you for your help. I will try to improve my skill. Hoping you will help me next time.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,929 2183  
Aug 11, 2017   #5
Phong, your representation of the paraphrased prompt is engaging and shows that you have a strong background in the world of vegetarianism. You have successfully "hooked" the reader into delving deeper into what you have to say about the topic. By the way, it is alright to use the term "we" in this instance. You are representing common knowledge in your statements and thus a reference to such is acceptable in the essay. A collective representation of fact is acceptable because it shows that you are doing an inclusive discussion and are engaging the reader to "agree" with your opinion. It is a term that is often used when one is trying to actively persuade a person to his belief.

You can safely ignore the advice given by the previous poster regarding the use of pronouns if you wish to. I have already explained why your use of "we" in this instance is correct and acceptable. If the essay had clearly stated that you should "state your own opinion", then you should have only stuck to the first person pronouns. In this instance, you are using a persuasive essay discussion so your decision to use "we" is acceptable and the correct term to use.

Now, the essay is asking you to discuss whether you agree or disagree with the opinion provided. Since there is no "extent of" instruction in the essay, you need not have stated "absolutely" in the disagreement. A simple disagreement would have sufficed. You don't need strongly worded emotional words to describe something if it is not required in the prompt.

The essay should have only discussed one opinion. Like I said, the persuasive discussion was the most appropriate approach for this essay. Doing the comparison essay did not accurately respond to the prompt requirements since you were not asked to "compare both points of view and present an opinion." You were merely asked to defend your stance of either agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Therefore, the main intention of the essay is to explain to the reader or persuade the reader regarding your point of view.
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 11, 2017   #6
It seems to me that you are not ready to write an essay at the moment. You should gather methods of performing an essay for Ielts online first because there are basic errors here. You do not fullfil the task response as well. Be more careful next time, mate! o( ❛ᴗ❛ )o

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