Could anyone help me critique my essay? I am trying to make a descriptive essay that takes place in a moment of time.
Everything was silent. I did not hear the heavy drumming sounds of the dog breathing. Nala was unresponsive. The blood had rapidly rushed straight to my head as time stopped instantly. Droplets of sweat poured down my cheek as I began to call her name. NALA... NALA!
I felt all the liquid in my body starting to drain away as I saw the discolored dark red placenta lying on the floor. Fear took over my body making my knees lock into place as if I could not move. Every breath of air that I took was getting harder. As I began to shake her, my hands started to tremble. My heart started racing, I could almost feel the adrenaline rush through my body.
The smell of urine and blood trickled up my nose. The back of my tonsils started to feel a gag reflex motion, as I saw the afterbirth on the floor looking as if someone had spilled dark blue and green paint. I began to panic, and my heart jumped to the back of my throat. My muscles started to refuse the instructions from my brain, making me feel hysterical.
I could feel the emotion welling up inside of me. Slowly I lost rhythm with my breath as my face tightened and my vision blurred. The red room was glowing with light as tears poured down my dry freckled cheeks. What had I done? I heard cries of the miniscule puppies drooling searching for a nipple. My chest felt as if it was heaving, sweating from all the tedious work I had done. I could not even move my fingers apart from each other since blood had dried up on my hands. My face began to flush, as I saw the blood sack seep into the towel making the room have a foul odor.
At that moment, the room suddenly started to spin; I did not know what was going on. My face transformed colors. My eyes felt as heavy as rocks, while I slowly faded into a different reality. Everything went black and my memory obliterated. As I came back to normal consciousness, I was in a state of confusion. Where was I? The room felt as if it was upside down, while I slowly realized that my inner body had just shut down. The saliva from my tongue had gone, making me crave water. I opened my eyes seeing my dog's tongue hanging out from her mouth looking as if her soul had left. The sound of raw aggression filled the air. I thought my dog had died and it was entirely my fault.
Everyone has a moment of purpose in their life. Success in life begins with a purpose. Many people have discovered their purposes through an experience. My fourteen year old conscious mind made me think about the fact that if I knew more about animals this would have never happened. As I Watched Nala give birth, I started to think about animal behavior, and how it is possible for an animal to give birth based on its maternal instincts. I wanted to look for every opportunity to learn more about animals and how they work, so that I could deliver them properly next time.
A few hours later I would find out from the veterinarian that Nala would be ok, although three puppies had gotten stuck in her stomach and died. At that moment, I felt abhorrent. What if I had known how to properly treat Nala while she was giving birth? Would this have happened? I felt that this was a Brief moment of intensity that caused a distortion of my perception into a false reality. Something about this moment felt very important to me. I knew that this was the pivotal event that made me realize that being part of this natural phenomenon is my calling and I want to be involved in animal science so that in the future I can save as many animals that come my way.
Hi :) You have done a very nice job with your essay. It is very descriptive, and definitely takes the reader right into the moment. It is a little shocking, to imagine such an experience, and the description is a bit gory, which may bother some people. I don't see any major grammar or spelling issues, but you may want to reread your conclusion and tidy it up a bit. The final sentence sounds a bit off, be clear and concise with your writing, try not to be "wordy" I like how you tie in your story with your desire to work with animals someday. It is very inspiring. Good work. Good luck with school :)
