At first , everyone, both males and females,
--> "At first" means "at the beginning", so you must use "First", or "Firstly",... instead.
they're interested in
--> In academic writing, don't use contractions. Write the full word "They are".
in turn
--> "In turn" is used to describe one action that happens after another. In this case you should use "vice versa".
pursue the occupations they're really excited abouthave passion for .
(change your wording to make the essay more academic).
job productivity is depends on theone's ability and thehis passion of each people .
Your essay has 256 words, which meets the requirement. However, if you want a higher band score, you should try to elaborate on your details, and the essay should have around 280-320 words.
Also, when using a word, make sure you know exactly what the word means.
Best