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ielts task 2: do we should exclude males and females from certain jobs?

mangdoli 5 / 12 3  
Jul 10, 2013   #1
Now, I have trouble with ielts task 2, usually I just get 6 from teacher. I don't know how to write an impressive introduction and conclusion well. Moreover, my academic vocabularies are not wide. Please help me to check it. Thank you very much!!

Nowadays, there is apparently no gender gap between men and women. Women not only can take the same jobs as man but they also expertise in some areas more than men. It is revealed that we should exclude males and females from certain professions because of the genders. In my point of view, gender equality must be respected that all jobs are for all people regardless of sex.

At first, everyone, both males and females, have right to take up any occupation they're interested in. In these days, it's so conventional that some men get jobs which are related to women and in turn. For example, there are many male cooks in restaurants, male nurses in hospitals, female pilots or female security guards. Therefore, if we separate professions because of gender, some people can't pursue the occupations they're really excited about.

For another reason, the ability to obtain the jobs can't be defined by gender. In some fields of professions, surprisingly people can get the jobs better than the other sex. This proves that professions are not absolutely suitable for just one side. For instance, Martin Yan is one of the best cook in the world despite he's a man. Another example, Angela Markel, who is a female chancellor of Germany, takes power to lead the country well.

In conclusion, we shouldn't discriminate women or men from certain jobs since job productivity is depend on the ability and the passion of each people. This leads to an equal work environment that is available for all people.

Word : 256
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 10, 2013   #2
At first , everyone, both males and females,

--> "At first" means "at the beginning", so you must use "First", or "Firstly",... instead.

they're interested in

--> In academic writing, don't use contractions. Write the full word "They are".

in turn

--> "In turn" is used to describe one action that happens after another. In this case you should use "vice versa".

pursue the occupations they're really excited abouthave passion for .

(change your wording to make the essay more academic).

job productivity is depends on theone's ability and thehis passion of each people .

Your essay has 256 words, which meets the requirement. However, if you want a higher band score, you should try to elaborate on your details, and the essay should have around 280-320 words.

Also, when using a word, make sure you know exactly what the word means.
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jul 10, 2013   #3
i do think you can't get a higher score than 6 with this essay. basically for task response alone
you were able to present ideas but not too strong enough to relate on your essay prompt

try to present your ideas on why we should not exclude or exempt anyone on any type of job.
present each idea on separate body paragraphs.

On your first paragraph you mentioned gender equality and interest, try to emphasize on motivation instead.
Second idea is good, "capability", but yo need to expand it further.
Add another idea to make your essay longer. You should not be comfortable with 256 words because in the
actual test you won't find time to check your word count. Get into the habit of having at least 270 words in your
practice essays.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 11, 2013   #4
Nowadays, there is apparently nogender gap between men and women

.... well... men and women belong to two different genders and what you need to say is that there is no "gender preference" in the jobs that men and women do. In other words, the employers seek the person with right skills and qualifications irrespective of their gender differences. Always try to keep your writing aligned with the topic.

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