Environmental degradation
there is no denying that nowadays environment is one of the most serious problem in the society. There are number of reasons behind this tendency and several solutions should be tackled by the government and individuals to improve this situation.
There are two primary reasons why the environment is devastated seriously, namely air pollutions and waste. in terms of air polution, gases from vehicles and factories bring dangerous chemical compounds, which lead to global warming, greenhouse effects. Secondly, in face of dramatic increase of birth rates, population density go up rapidly, which are also producing greater quantities of waste, as result of oceans and rivers contamination. therefore, clean water sources for humans are reducing day-to-day.
Fortunately, several measures can be taken to prevent this problem. To be more specific, government should make more effort to improve air pollution. Firstly, full weight of the law should be applied for imposing wide range of sentences. for instance, factories should be penalized or serve a prison sentences if they discharge large amount of pollutants. Government can also impose 'green taxes' on drivers. By this way, people would to aware of the need to adhere the need of there responsibilities toward protecting the environment.
Moreover, each individual can also improve the environment. They can take public transports instead of driving car or motorbikes in order to reduce fumes from vehicles. or they can deny using plastic bag to protect the water sources from plastic materials, which always have severe damage for environment. By reusing and recycling, they can help to reduce waste.
In a nutshell, both citizens and governments can give their hand to look after the invironment.
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can i get 6.0 ?
Hi @hingyun,
I have read all your essay, you did it pretty well, clearly. But in my opinion, there are some of my feedbacks for you:
- I think you should use diversity of tenses. For example, with the consequences of man-made for the environment, you should use the past sentence or present continous.
- You should use diversity of synonym to help your essay more interesting. Such as "improve" = enhance, advance, boost, form, develop; "government" = the political leaders,...
Hi @hinguyn, your essay contains quite a lot of spellings and plurals mistakes and some grammar errors. It's true that you should try to paraphrase more. Your main points are great, but keep all the solutions in just one paragraph.
In some sentences your meaning didn't get across because of the words you used:
- "environment is one ... problem"
"environment" is not a "problem"
- "Firstly, full weight of the law should be ..."
Just rewrite those using other academic words to make them clearer.
Your conclusion is a bit too short, and it has not summarized all your main points in the essay. For the conclusion there should be 2-3 sentences.
Hope you do well!
@hinguyn
Hi there!
Welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with feedback.
Firstly, accentuate your writing through creating more simplified and yet structured sentences. Concrete essays are built on these types of content, making it better for you to work with words that have more substance to them.
Try to also add more real life or worldly examples to make concrete the words of your sentences. Doing this will help you build more depth as you can tackle more terms in an effective manner.
Work on the general flow of the writing. Alongside this, ensure that your writing is abiding by fundamental grammatical rules.
Best of luck.
@hinguyn
Hi there,
I guess you'd get 6.0 for this essay. But you should try to use these synonyms to improve your band score:
no denying= undeniable
dire = serious
reason = cause = justification = contributor = culprit = rational = explanation
'improve' should be replaced by avoid/ prevent/ combat/ tackle/ minimize
'environment' is a topic, not a 'problem'
and your conclusion should sum up your ideals in the essay.
Thank you very much
