Exploring Natural Resources (high demand in oil and gas) - IELTS 2: Essay Writing

Question:
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With the increased global demand in oil and gas,undiscovered areas of the world should be opened up to access more resources.
To what extent do you agree?

Word Limit: A minimum of 250 words

Answer:
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exploitation of nature

In this modern era of massive industrialisation and technological advancements, a sharp rise in the need for natural resources such as petroleum and gas has been noticed globally. As the stocks of these natural fuels are getting diminished, many people are of the notion that we should try to search for the same in the unexplored territories of the world. I believe that this can result in a lot of problems like more exploitation of environment , global warming and even war between countries.----81 words

Exploring the undiscovered areas for oil and gas will lead to more exploitation of nature. Many studies have shown that digging into the seas and oceans has caused severe damage to the marine ecosystem. Due to this, lots of marine creatures are on a verge of being extinct.--48 words

Furthermore, combustion of petroleum products generates greenhouse gases which are one of the main causes of global warming. The greenhouse gases such as CO2 prevents the heat of our atmosphere from dissipating into the outer space, hence increasing temperature of our environment.---42 words

Additionally, a more immediate adverse effect can be seen in the form of fights between countries to get the possession of those areas in which more resources have been found. The powerful and wealthy countries may engage in war to get hold of the newly discovered areas in order to outrun others in the race of being the most powerful economy.---61 words

In conclusion, though it might sound logical to allow people look for natural resources in the areas yet to be explored, but in the long run it is likely to be proven as damaging to the environment as well as to the society.--44 words

Total: 276 words

I would like to have a writing feedback on the above essay written by me keeping in mind the criteria of IELTS Writing exam. If you are not an IELTS trainer, your feedback is welcome as well.

Riya, this essay will automatically get a failing score of 2 for the TA portion. That score is based on the fact that you did not discuss the essay in the manner that the discussion instruction provided. You were asked to discuss the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the essay. Instead, you discussed a personal opinion essay, without any reference to the original prompt requirements. Even your opening statement paraphrase is not consistent with the requirements of the TA criteria. You over complicated your presentation when it should have been a simple restatement of the prompt instructions. Let me show you how this should have been discussed in the opening paraphrase:

There is a growing demand for oil and gas on a worldwide scale. It is this increasing requirement for energy sources that has opened up the consideration of accessing oil and gas in previously undiscovered areas of the world. I strongly disagree with this action and will explain my reasons for opposing such a move in this essay.

I believe that this can result in a lot of problems like more exploitation of environment , global warming and even war between countries. A clear example of this...

It is important that you properly paraphrase the original discussion because the TA section comprises half your total score. Make a mistake in that section and you risk not passing the entire test. It will be extremely difficult to increase your score in the remaining sections because your whole discussion will already be based on the wrong premise and as such, may not fall within the proper discussion context anymore.

Do not focus on the word count per paragraph. Most importantly, do not make it a practice to write the word count per paragraph because in the actual test setting, you will not have the opportunity to do that. Just focus on writing the the most coherent and cohesive paragraphs that you can within a maximum of 5 sentences and everything will be fine. Aim to write the maximum number of sentences so that you can create more complex and less run-on sentences in your essay. Did you notice how you tend to not write more than 2 sentences per paragraph? That is a big problem on your part because that means you are writing only simple sentences. Add one more sentence and you could probably gain more confidence to start writing complex sentences. For now, practice writing 3 sentences per paragraph just to get a feel of how well you can compose English sentences. As you progress, add another sentence. Keep doing that until you find yourself automatically writing 5 sentences per paragraph already. You are guaranteed to write more than the minimum number of words when you start writing in that manner.

Your concluding paragraph needs to be the along the lines of the opening statement. This gives you the opportunity to further prove your ability to write in English. Just restate the prompt in a different manner, summarize your points in the discussion, then repeat the extent of your disagreement in plain, simple, understandable English.