Essay about the fact that celebrities earn more money than politicians, the reasons and opinions!-fb

Hi,
As an English learner, Im struggling with my IELTS examination. I aimed band 7 for writing but now I wrote well. Please help me with my essay, I need you instruction. Thank a lots!

Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

Recent years have witnessed the rising income of celebrities rather than politicians. This essay attempts to outline the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon before concluding that this trend is largely disadvantageous, especially for young people.

On the one hand, this trend can be attributed to some main reasons. For celebrities, they have wider sources of income, including joining live shows, taking photos or marketing for products. For example, there has been a dramatic rise in the number of livestream, where celebrities can introduce and sell products to earn a large amount of money. In contrast, politicians often remain stable with the state budget, which can not compare to the amount of money celebrities gain in media platforms. Working as a politician sometimes can not attract young people, who have a strong desire for financial success.

On the other hand, despite the fact that celebrities earn more money than politicians, I am convinced that they come at the expense of more pronounced problems. The primary concern is that the decline in the number of politicians can lead to the shortage of skilled labour in the political field, which contributes to the country's development through proposing policy. As a result, some inappropriate policies can be implemented without considering them carefully. Worse still, young people might be under the delusion that they can earn high income only through their influence in social media, which can lead to an illusion about entertainment industries and financial success. For example, although some people gain large profit from selling products, they do not concern or qualify the quality of the product sold, that might result in consumers' experiences.

In conclusion, the fact that celebrities earn larger income than politicians is largely driven by factors such as the sources of income. This trend should be seen as a negative, with all the problems of shortage specialized in the political field and delusion about successful careers.

The first problem with your essay is the incorrect restatement of the original prompt. You are referring to information that is not found, nor can it be supported by the original topic statement. Recent years cannot be used as the word replacement for "Nowadays". When referring to time frames, or other instances of direct information referencing, use a thesaurus to allow you choose the best, and most appropriate alternative. You can find that online. I suggest you get used to using synonym words before the test to ensure a proper restatement or paraphrasing.

Second, when you are asked what the reasons are, then you must state 2 short reference topics for that discussion. Remember that the first paragraph is an introduction and thesis statement. The thesis statements will come from the reasons that you clearly provide depending upon the writing instructions. So in this case, the thesis statement should have been based on Reasons + Writer's Opinion.

The discussion method used is also inappropriate and not the expected discussion method. This is not a compare and contrast essay. The correct discussion format for this prompt is:

2nd Paragraph:

Sentence 1: Reason
Sentence 2: Why it is a negative development
Sentence 3: Explain the reasons for the negative development
Sentence 4: Give an example of the negative with a resultant situation.
Sentence 5: Transition to the next paragraph

Use the same for the 2nd body of paragraph reasoning. Using the above example would allow you gain a better scoring consideration in alignment with the writing format expectations. You are not near the band score 7 at the moment but you show the potential to achieve that score in the future.