Factories not stadiums, is what we need. Do you agree? Argumentative essay

Guys I need your 2cents on this argumentative essay

Factories not stadiums, is what we need. Do you agree?

While some people would argue that the factories cause pollution, however their existence serve more in society than do the stadiums.
Factories play a major role in terms of providing us with the needed products we daily use, wear etc...) that is to say manufacturing is central to our modern life. We can tell of their importance in the example of self-manufacturing businesses rather than importing from big companies which find the benefit of it in every deal.

Factories in fact are way more significant, and it is clear that the part the factories contribute with to help solve the unemployment issue is undeniable. The best example in light of this issue is; the foreign companies which set up successful production businesses creating more jobs to help thousands of thousands of people. As a result, the economic growth rises, and so the country's situation improves to flourish.

In spite of the positives the factories come with, they could pose a big problem to society just as would the stadiums do with the unreasonable, extravagant investments. So the factories are indeed pollutants, they cause a huge environmental pollution problem by acidifying rain, chemical spills and disposal of toxic waste. A one example explains it, is of the greenhouse gases from the burning of fossil fuels which terribly is the source of the pollution harming.

It has been shown that the factories' contribution to society is more worthy as opposed to the stadiums which do not come with much to society. On the other hand, factories are a danger that threatens the stability of society with the massive pollution problem.

Azeddine, Somehow I don't feel like you posted the complete prompt along with the essay. The reason that i say that is because your paraphrased presentation of the topic is extremely short. Therefore, it does not accurately deliver the pertinent information necessary to consider your paraphrasing complete. It should be at least 3 sentences long to be considered even remotely a complete restatement of the prompt. You only have one sentence. The problem with that statement is obvious.

Watch your punctuation. Do not use etc. and ellipses in formal and academic writing. That is a violation of writing etiquette and shows a lack of professionalism on your part. If you must, mention 3 related points and then end the sentence. Never use "etc." Another thing, what is with that rogue parent in the second paragraph? You did not bother to proof read this before you submitted it did you? You have to make proof reading and editing second nature to you when writing these essays. Specially when your passing a test relies on it as in this case.

Your argument regarding the lack of need for stadiums could have been better presented if you had bothered to develop the paragraph that supported that stance in a separate paragraph. By including it in the discussion of the warehouses, you did not really give the reader a chance to get to know the other side of the argument. Thus creating a lopsided discussion that was more slanted towards your chosen position. This does not allow the reader an educated opportunity to decide which side he would like to support.

Basically, the essay could have been better developed and presented. I have offered you some comments that you should keep in mind as you develop your writing skills with your upcoming essays. I hope to continue to see improvement in your written work as the days go on.