Family's closeness - IELTS 2: Problems and Solutions Essay

I am planning to take the IELTS test. Here is one of my essay. I really need to improve my writing skills in order to get the best preparation for the IELTS test.

Topic:It is generally acknowledged that families now are not as close as they used to be.
What are some possible reasons for this and what can be done to reserve the trend.

deteriorated family bonds

Given the over-increasing pace in modern life, it seems common in many places that family bonds have been deteriorated. In my opinion, some possible ways could be done to minimize the downside of the issue.

To start with, there are many ways in which this unfavorable situation could occur. The primary factor probably is the intrusion of modern technology into family life. In the past, family members were more likely to interact with each other as there were fewer technological diversions. However, in today's life, each member within a family could easily be distracted from family conversation by many hi-tech devices such as smartphones or tablets. Another factor leading to this trend probably is the over-increasing pace of the modern life. Given the fact that people tend to rush through things to ensure an advantageous position in the face of stiff competition, therefore, the closeness between family members would eventually suffer.

However, it is true that many ways could be done to tackle this matter. One of the most promising ones could be ensuring that family members spend sufficient time together and enhance healthy interactions among them. For example, parents may try to reduce the time spent on technological devices at home, such as setting time restriction for Internet usage or arrange more time to chat or play with their child. More importantly, parents should always remember that they are working for a better life with their loved ones, not living to work.

In conclusion, although there are many reasons for the undermining of family's closeness in today's life, I believe that great efforts from both parents and children are likely able to reserve this trend.

I will give some advice for your words and sentences.

paragraph 1:

Given the over-increasing ( It's not very appropriate to use 'increasing' to modify 'pace'，I will use 'excessively fast' to substitute) pace in modern life

family bonds have been deteriorated

some possible ways (This is not very natural expression, I will just use 'methods' or 'preventative methods') could(can) be done to ...

paragraph 2:

many ways in (by) which this ...

... fewer technological (electronic) diversions

... probably is the over-increasing (the problem again) pace of the modern life.
... competition, therefore, the closeness ... (here you can write more details about the link between reason and result. I feel it's not such logical)

paragraph 3:

it is true that many ways (remedies) could (can) be done ...

enhance healthy (reasonable) interactions

... time spent on technological (the problem again) devices at home

not('rather than' may be more formal) living to work

paragraph 4:

... reasons for the undermining (crisis) of family's ... are likely able to reserve(stop) this trend.

Viet, let's start with what you did right in this essay. Your 2 body paragraphs / reasoning paragraphs are well written. It portrays a clear understanding of the given discussion and your ability to properly discuss the essay given the prompt requirements. The strength of your essay writing is in the most important part, the Task Accuracy. You show a good grasp of the English language through your sentence structure presentation and grammar use. Your vocabulary is acceptable and properly used in the context of the discussion. This is a promising start to your review process.

Your connected discussions in the second paragraph are excellent. You have a good grasp of how to connect discussion reasons in a connected manner within a single paragraph. Most test takers struggle to accomplish that in their exercise essays. It is beginning to look like you just may be able to easily gain at least a 7.5 score with your practice tests if you keep writing this well.

Now for the problems.

The paragraphs need to have a minimum of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Each paragraph should have only one discussion topic, normally presented as the first sentence in the reasoning paragraph. In relation to this discussion, this is a direct question essay. Therefore, your opening paraphrase is incorrect. You must present at least the foundation reason for your discussion in that paragraph. The correct representation would indicate one reason and one solution to get your essay started.

While the rest of the essay is well developed as I previously mentioned, your concluding paragraph does not summarize the discussion are required by the test. This is actually the simplest part of the essay to write because all you need to do is come up with a 3 - 5 sentence presentation that repeats the following:

1. The discussion topic
2. The reasons provided in the second paragraph
3. The solutions indicated in the third paragraph
4. Closing sentence

Just present the same information in a shortened form. Consider it the reverse of the opening paraphrase. The closing paraphrase just needs to represent the discussion you presented as opposed to the opening paragraph that need to represent the original discussion and the instructions for the discussion or, in this case, the starting response to or early discussion of the reasons and solutions for the given topic.

Like I said, you show a great potential and, guided properly, you will most likely ace this test. I hope to be able to guide your development in the coming days. I'd love to work with you on that.

Thank you a lot! Your feedback is very useful to me.