Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

A family outing - Describe a memorable memory in my life


winter1234 1 / -  
Jul 25, 2022   #1

A family outing



During my recent holiday, I had a family outing in Binh Thuan, and I had a memorable experience there. I still remember it was very cool that night, so after eating dinner, my brother and I decided to stroll by motorbike. But we got lost because we were absorbed in enjoying the beautiful scenery here. Unfortunately, at that time, our motorbike was almost out of gas, and neither of us had a cell phone so we couldn't contact our parents. I felt very nervous. Fortunately, I found some money in my pocket, enough for us to fill up with gas to continue our way home. Moreover, we met a friendly policeman who lent me his phone and showed us the way home. At that time, I felt fortunate to have made it home and was very grateful to the policeman that day.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4247  
Jul 26, 2022   #2
Try to better set the stage for the adventure. That can be accomplished by indicating the season, the year, or the holiday that was being celebrated. The year is not as important as the background of the story. The story is too dry and boring. It just states the facts as it happened. There is no part that would hold the interest of the reader. We need a multi-dimensional representation of the event and characters. Put some excitement into the narration. Add some dialogue. Heighten the worry and confusion that you and your brother may have felt at the time. Create a stronger sense of relief towards the end. The story has a good foundation. It is the narration that needs better development.
cherryblossom 6 / 11 3  
Jul 26, 2022   #3
If this was a part 2 speaking, I think it will be too short to reach a 2-minute talk or else you have to speak very slow which will affect your fluency. You have a story but it leaves me no impression. Maybe you need to spice it up by exaggerating your experience a little bit, making it more dramatic and therefore more interesting. No one will penalize you for making up some details or if you wanna stick to the truth, you should try to describe more about every detail you mention:

For example: "But we got lost because ..." After this sentence, you can tell the examiner about how beautiful it is like: in front of us was the breath-taking landscape in which mountains and the starry night sky blended to make a picturesque scene.

Or when you mention that your vehicle ran out of gas and then you find some pocket money, it was too easy and forgettable as you weren't caught up in a really difficult situation. Try to alter it like you and your brother have to walk home and tow the motorbike along with. How tired and desperate you and your brother were until you met a police, which was a miracle!. You see? There will be more to speak about.


Home / Writing Feedback / A family outing - Describe a memorable memory in my life