The famous people should also contribute to the social causes in our country.

Please review my essay and help me improvise it.

GRE Essay: "Sports stars and movie stars have an obligation to behave as role models for the young people who look up to them. In return for the millions of dollars that they are paid, we should expect then to fulfill this societal responsibilities."

I completely agree with the speaker's view the fabled people in our country to whom lot of youth's look up to them, In return these renowned people should also contribute to the social causes in our country. Stars come up with the unique ability to influence the younger generation, this can motivate the younger crowd to think good and do good. This would a small step from them to inspire the younger generation and contribute for the welfare of the society.

Movie starts and sports stars are those whom the younger crowd usually admire and aspire to be one in future. Not just with the young masses but also amongst the adults they usually tend to live their dream in those lives of celebrities. Youth venerate them so much that they follow celebrities work so meticulously and also try to imitate their icons in every manner they act and behave. The life of the celebrities is always under scrutiny. If these renowned people take a step to bring a change in the society, it would be huge motivation factor not just for the amateur crowd but even the country would look up to them with reverence.

I have noticed a lot of celebrities in past years have played a major role in contributing for the social causes, Examples Hollywood stars like anjalena Jolie and Brad Pitt have taken initiative to promote and protect various humanitarian causes. They have been associated with lot of charitable organization in various parts of the country. They have their own organization named Jolie-Pitt foundation which is mainly concerned with eradicating extreme poverty, conserve wildlife, protecting natural resources. This steps of the celebrities might also encourage the opulent crowd in our society to take a step and contribute to the betterment of the society.

There are few famous celebrities have created campaign against cancer awareness also set up their own charitable organization to cure and fight against it. Famous Indian international cricketer Yuvraj Singh who is also a survivor of cancer have taken an initiative and founded YouWeCan a cancer charity, to detect cancer at an early stage and support to fight against it. Sportsman Lance Armstring, famous US cyclist who is also a survivor of terrestrial cancer have also founded cancer charity LiveStrong to treat the sick people. Few celebrities have established AIDS foundation to try to stem the destruction the disease (HIV/AIDS) causing around the world.

In India, there has been a rising percentage of crime against women such Rape, child abuse, domestic violence mainly due to male chauvinism. Several organization and campaign are conducted to fight against these violence in our society. Few Bollywood celebrities have started an initiate with MARD (men against Rape and discrimination) to create awareness amongst men to instill gender equality and respect for women. Few celebrities have taken part in transgender equality in our society. Smoking has been a growing trends especially amongst the youth, this practice not only kills one's life but also the people around you. I feel even movies should be exculpated with such contents which portrays violence against women and smoking. These at times can be taken as heroism amongst the youth and might set a bad example.

However I feel not all celebrities should be obliged to take part in social cause, because it is their personal choice to contribute to the society, they should never be imposed as a burden.

Celebrities have always entertained us and I feel public has played a major role for this success in their lives. In return it is their responsibility to inspire and motivate the mass of all ages for better living. In the end I want to sum up stating I think it's the duty of every citizen to take part in every small step of social cause to make a big change for the betterment of the country.

You have some evidence to support your view. However, I think there are too many topics that are in one essay. I will try to assist you with this so you can have a better essay.

When you begin this paragraph you speak about fabled people. Change this to:" ...that famous people...should contribute to the social causes in our country" You should delete part of the sentence that discusses renowned people because it becomes too confusing. When you discuss stars, you can delete unique ability and simply state that they influence the younger generation.

I think that you should change the order of your sentences too. Also, when you mention cancer, then you begin to discuss an HIV foundation. I think you can change the first sentence in the paragraph so that you can discuss both topics.

In the third paragraph, there are too many topics covered as well. I think the topic should be very specific.

I will help you with grammar and sentence order later.

Thank you for the feedback lcturn87. Please guide me for better organization of my essay's and also grammar.

First, l feel there needs to be a revision to the thesis statement. I need help in identifying what your thesis statement is. I think this is your thesis statement, "This would a small step from them to inspire the younger generation and contribute for the welfare of the society." You discuss this in your first and last paragraph so I assume it is. Here is a revision to provide a better understanding:

"It would be a small step for sport stars and celebrities to inspire the younger generation and contribute to the welfare of society."

I included what was being asked and your position, this was a simple step with little changes so that the reader can understand what you will be discussing.

I have decided not to change some of the organization of your paper because your beginning leads right to your thesis statement. However, I will still provide suggestions.

-See the previous post for changes to the opening paragraph

-In the second paragraph, you want to change part of the first sentence to: "aspire to be like". Change this sentence to: "...among adults, they usually tend to live their dreams similar to celebrities." You should use a transition word such as "However" to begin the sentence that discusses how the lives of celebrities are scrutinized. You are making a contrast between what youths seem to imitate and how celebrities are portrayed, so this will help your reader to understand the details better. Place "a" before huge. You don't describe the motivation factor. Will it be a motivating factor for change?

-In the first sentence of the third paragraph, delete "for the" and replace with "to". You should put a period after causes. Use a transition word such as "For example" when you begin to discuss these celebrities. Hollywood should be all lowercase letters. Capitalize and spell her name: Angelina. Place "an" before initiative. Change lot of to "many" and make organization plural. Change conserve to conserving. When you discuss more than one step, you have to change "This" to "These".

-In the fourth paragraph, you shouldn't mention cancer to open the paragraph. If you state that the campaigns were to raise awareness for diseases, then you can discuss cancer and HIV in the same paragraph. When describing Singh, change have to "has" and an to "the". Only place a comma after You We Can. It is more common to say, "support the fight against it". Spell his last name: Armstrong. I would Google his name because this is the wrong word for his diagnoses. Change have to "has also founded a".

-In the fifth paragraph, I would suggest to have only one subject. Your subject is more developed with crime against women. Delete smoking and anything that doesn't relate to that subject. If you discuss movies only with crime against women rather than smoking, it could fit in this paragraph.

-In the last paragraph, "the" needs to be before public. The next sentence I think you should change it to: "people of all ages to live better." In the end and summing it up are the same. You could try to use a transition word such as "Therefore" to begin your last sentence and you can delete those words.

Thank you for your feedback lcturn87. It was of great help. I will make the suggested changes in my essay :)