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The figure displays kinds of problems that are faced by people when they stay overseas

faizunaa17 49 / 91  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
The figure displays kinds of problems that is faced by people when they stay overseas which is illustrated by using bar charts according to the age. Overall, while the middle-age has the highest percentage in each problem, searching education course for pupil is the less-problem compared with others.

The greatest problem for people aged 35-54 is about health with approximately 37 percent while it also becomes the biggest value in all. However, this problem has a tiny different both in 18-34 and over 55, each of them 32 and 28 respectively.

Financial planning is the second biggest problem both in 35-54 years old and the oldest age with 35 percent and 28% each. In contrast, it becomes the largest problem in the youngest with 33 percent.

In addition, finding schools for the children becomes the smallest problem in every group of ages. People over 55 has the lowest value with only 3 percent, while middle-age has 18 percent and 18-34 years old has 7 percent.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
Hi Faiz,

The detailed descriptions below are my contribution towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful towards the next essay practice later on.

1st paragraph:
- The figure displays kinds of problems that isare faced by people when they stay overseas. (period. new sentence) whichIt is illustrated by usingin the bar charts according to thethree different age groupsranging from 18 to over 55 years old.(this sentence can be separated into two sentences)

- Overall, it can be seen that while the middle-age group has the highest percentage (...) for pupil is the less-problemleast problem compared with othersother age groups .

Despite this corrections, I can see that your paragraphing hasn't adequately covered all the information given since you only wrote 2 sentences for each paragraph. Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Therefore, I hope you can minimize / reduce the mistake in the next practice by considering all the above-mentioned feedback above. Good luck :)

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