First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS

Hi, writers! I'm planning to take an IELTS test in 1 week more. My friends had recommended me to share my writing in this forum because of so many corrections and insights I can get here. Actually, this is my first time trying to write an essay on IELTS writing test, so you may find errors and misorders of words in my essay. Help me and share your insights on this essay, and rate my essay based on IELTS band system when possible. I beg for harsh critics to help me detect errors and misfits and to polish my writing gradually.

Answer:

The bar graphs illustrate the data of the activities of graduate and post graduate students in United Kingdom who prefer to not work full-timely in 2000

Both of the graphs share similar pattern, where most graduate and post-graduate students sought for advanced comprehension on their expertise as they tended to pursue deeper level of study, while in contrast, volunteers are the least popular destination to go. On 2008, the amount of graduates attending further level of education is 29,665 people, while there were 2,725 post-graduate students who continued to doctoral program. Voluntary jobs did not attract many of 2008 graduates and post-graduates, considering that there are only 3500 volunteers whose bachelor title and 345 post graduates who were willingly to take the voluntary acivities. On the other hand, part-timers and unemployments sit in the second rank and the third rank consecutively, where there were 17,735 bachelors who choose part-time work as their next step, and 2,533 of part-time workers in 2008 backgrounded as masters degree. Furthermore, on 2008, there were 16,235 jobless graduates in UK and 1,625 out of total unemployed people held the masters degree.

*note:
I had tried the timed writing test by myself. This task should spend about 20 minutes and I did not meet the required time to complete my essay. So, any suggestions to work better under time pressure will help. Finally, I beg you guys to be harsh and to-the-point as this acts as better stepping stone for my better writing.

Thank you, may you have a great day!

** For some reasons I could not upload the .jpg file of the bar chart here, but the IELTS sample writing test is from Cambridge IELTS 10th edition, in Test 3.

Hello! Considering that I truly enjoy writing tasks 1 I hope my pieces of advice are going to be useful.
Your piece of writing lacks paragraphs, and this is quite a major issue. I think you complicated yourself when you wrote it and this might be the reason why you couldn't finish the task in 20 minutes. Keep it both simple and academic. You should mandatorily write an overview, either after the introduction or in the last paragraph.

The bar graphs illustrate the data of the activities of graduate ...
I would write this a little bit different.
The bar charts illustrate data on the part-time activities pursued by the graduate and post-graduate students in the UK in 2000.

Hi Ramdan, I do share the same opinion with Daniel. To avoid wasting money in IELTS real test, I think that your essay-structure needs a lot of improvements. I have no idea why did you only write 1 essay here if you're going to take a real test next week. I did countless practices in order to improve my writing and posted 15 of them here. However, I hope my very-short-written-feedback here would be helpful for the development of your writing.

Paragraphing is essential, I had difficulties in determining which one is your paragraph. It is not suggested to maintain that style of writing. You need to know that an IELTS task 1 essay should consist at least 3 paragraphs (3 sentences for each paragraph). I hope the brief descriptions below (using your essay) will be helpful.

1st paragraph:
The bar graphs illustrate the data of the activities of graduate and post graduate students in United Kingdom who prefer to not work full-timely in 2000. ............................................ the least popular destination to go.

2nd paragraph:
On 2008, the amount of graduates ............................................. who were willingly to take the voluntary acivities.

3rd paragraph:
On the other hand, part-timers ....................................... graduates in UK and 1,625 out of total unemployed people held the masters degree.

That's it, it will be much easier for the examiner to read your essay. Remember that you cannot go further than 5.0. if your essay "cause some difficulty to the reader". Some spelling and grammatical errors are also existed. Due to the absence of overall progression for each paragraph and unclear overview. Therefore, I reckon that this essay is worth only 5.0.

PS: I have checked in Cambridge 10th test 3, the picture didn't match with yours.

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Thanks so much for the constructive feedbacks, fellows!

I realized that I hadn't practice my writing for quite a long time, and that eventually turns out to be major obstacle for me.

I am grateful that now I can share my writings here so that I can keep tracking my writing progress, not to mention that the members here are very kind with their feedbacks.

I can't wait to write more and share more from now on.

Hi Ramdan, it's great to hear from you and we appreciate the fact that our reviews are helpful to your revision. We do encourage you t write further in order to enhance your skills in this craft, not only that, practice will always be the best teacher and as much as we can, we should exercise the language religiously.

Furthermore, what you need to also focus on is the proper grouping or association of the words in your sentences, sometimes, we have the right idea in our head, however, it does not transpire in our writing and this will not be good as you go along, this will affect the overall outcome of the essay.

Now, your writing only need a little polish and it should not be a worry of yours, however, you need to continuously write in order not to forget your writing strokes, this will also make sure that you don't forget the proper structure in your articles. Keep writing!

You got a point there, Ivy. My biggest obstacle is to transfer the concept from my mind into the proper words in essay. That's why I often cannot finish my essay within the time limit.

Anyway, thank you for encouraging me to write more and more, and I hope be more active in this forum, as this forum provides just what I need in terms of sharpening my writing skills.