IELTS task 1 - Foreign languages spoken by British students

Greetings. I tried to give feedback to another student. It was in the unanswered section. I tried my level best, spend a good 20 min on it only to get a warning "not to post useless comments".

Anyways this is my response to task 1. I will appreciate if someone can comment on it.

Thanks in advance

students able to speak other languages than english

The two given pie charts compare the percentages of students belonging to a British University, who were multilingual and they could speak languages other than English in the year 2000 and 2010.

Overall, both the charts show that the largest proportion belonged to unilingual students. While the trend for other categories were similar both the years, the biggest variation can be seen in the percentages of Spanish speaking students.

To begin with, those students that could only speak English formed the biggest group both years with 30% and 35%. However, the second largest proportion with 20% in 2000 belonged to Spanish speaking students, this number fell by 5% in 2010. Similar drop in the percentage was noted in francophones as well, from 15% to 10% next year.

Moving on to the other two determinants, two other languages and another languages, percentages for these students increased from 15% and 10% to 20% and 15% respectively. The only other category which showed no change was the number of German speaking students which remained constant at 10%.

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I would like to show you some problems that make me confused.
ex: ...both years with 30% and 35%. ( can you show more specifically about which year one of them belonged to?).
the sentence "However, the second ... number fell by 5% in 2010" might be wrong in the information because I really realized that 5%=>10%

Indeed, I do not appreciate your essay. the fmain reason is that you did not analyse the detailed information at the 2 latter paragraphs that are required much valid information. Each of them should have 3-4 sentences. In addition, you should put more comparisons among categories, try to exploit the information. Some number can be phrased to words referred to amount like a small number=5%, over a third= 35% and etc.

I hope that you can enhance your essay next time.

@DiepVu99 thanks for your comments

I was confused by this sentence "...both years with 30% and 35%", you should make it more specific by showing which year one of them belonged to. Also, you should analyze the charts more and put some more valid information to the 2 latter paragraphs, and you should make more comparisons where relevant. I hope that you find my comment helpful.

I'd love to make some recommendations for you.

1)" who were multilingual ..."
I think that it would be better to wirite as "who were bilingual and multilingual speakers". "Multilingual" already means "speak languages other than English". You didn't need to repeat "speak languages other than English" here.

Or, you could simply write "students...who spoke second languages" . To British students, "second languages" of course means "other languages than English".

2）"those students...with 30% and 35%."
The sentence as it was is somewhat confusing. I try to clarify it for you: The British students who spoke only in their native tongue made up the largest proportion of the student body in both years given, as their share saw a slight increase from 30% in 2000 to 35% in 2010.