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IELTS TASK 1. Four places visited by three different people migrants living in Australia


nelarizka79 16 / 21 1  
Apr 3, 2016   #1
The bar chart illustrates four places (zoo, library, theatre and cinema) attended by three different individuals living in Australia. At first glance it can conclude that cinema was the most popular among the four, while theater is the least one.

Regarding to cinema, the most visitors were natives which the percentage was up to 70%. This was followed by new migrants from English -speaking countries' at the second place, and the other countries' new migrants at the third. In contrast, theatre absorbed the lowest number of visitors which was only about a third of cinema's visitors in total.

Turning to zoo and library, the new migrants from other countries reached the highest percentage in attending library, while they stood at last in visiting zoo. Then, the new migrants born in English-speaking countries and the natives came respectively in visiting both zoo and library. Moreover, the interesting point of this chart is the contrast trend showed by the percentage of library and cinema, while the figure in zoo and theater showed the same pattern.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 4, 2016   #2
Hi Nela, I have no idea what is wrong with my computer, because I could not click and see your picture. In my opinion, the flow of ideas and tenses consistency of your essay are well-done. However, amidst all of that, I reckon that you did not depict a clear data of the charts. Did you realize that you only wrote 1 type of percentage (70%) and then you never mentioned it again? I also found some repetitions of your vocabulary usage in which it will affect the negative assessment from the examiner and it will be dangerous to keep doing that. In addition, for the introduction paragraph, your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The bar chart illustrates.... It is measured in the percentage of... At first glance, .....

Now, for a breakdown of your grammar errors, with corrections applied.

At first glance it can conclude that

At first glance, it can be concluded that (comma is necessary, passive form be+V3)

English -speaking countries'

English-speaking countries (spelling problem, hyphen should be without space, countries without apostrophe, since it was not a possession)

the most visitors were natives which the percentage was up to 70%.

The most visitors were natives in which the percentage was up to 70%. (you should add comma or add 'in' if you put it without comma)

to cinema

to the cinema (article "the" is necessary, because you have mentioned it before)


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