Hi Nela, I have no idea what is wrong with my computer, because I could not click and see your picture. In my opinion, the flow of ideas and tenses consistency of your essay are well-done. However, amidst all of that, I reckon that you did not depict a clear data of the charts. Did you realize that you only wrote 1 type of percentage (70%) and then you never mentioned it again? I also found some repetitions of your vocabulary usage in which it will affect the negative assessment from the examiner and it will be dangerous to keep doing that. In addition, for the introduction paragraph, your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:
The bar chart illustrates.... It is measured in the percentage of... At first glance, .....
Now, for a breakdown of your grammar errors, with corrections applied.
At first glance it can conclude that
At first glance, it can be concluded that (comma is necessary, passive form be+V3)
English -speaking countries'
English-speaking countries (spelling problem, hyphen should be without space, countries without apostrophe, since it was not a possession)
the most visitors were natives which the percentage was up to 70%.
The most visitors were natives in which the percentage was up to 70%. (you should add comma or add 'in' if you put it without comma)
to the cinema (article "the" is necessary, because you have mentioned it before)