Remember when you attempted to keep your eyes wide open? Or when your whole body was drunk with fatigue after a hard day's work? Or when your bony white hands, blood frozen by the bitter winter frost? Or when your brain wanted to give in, to remain in the lapses of sleep that kept you drifting in and out of? Remember when you took a fleeting look outside, the weather beaten road looking everlasting. There were rows of mud that appeared lifeless with their menacing razor-sharp thorns in the harsh winters. And the clock, the clock hanging above your head illuminated on the mirror in front of your face, stating 3:00 am. Another sleepless night, another bugging thoughts that keep dominating within you. Your freezy hands was placed above your mouth as you heard a soothing harmonic love song, a tear escaped from your lilac eye, a forbidding sob dripped that made you choked by preventing it. You cursed yourself praying that you hadn't broken down. You reached for a razor and your joints started squeaking like an old geriatric patient climbing out of a hospital bed for the first time. You let out a dark shrill scream, a smell of leaking rust filled the atmosphere. Then you see blood flowing from your wrist. All you can hear were screams, then everything was quiet, it was an eerie feeling. The howling weeps had ceased and the only noise that penetrated your ear drums was the frantic beating of a racing heart beginning to stop.
The frantic beat of a broken heart
Your freezy hands waswere placed above your mouth as you heard a soothing harmoniclove s ong, a tear escaped ...
Or when your bony white hands, blood frozen by the bitter winter frost?
- What happened in this instance? The previous sentences indicated clear occurrences to the person. This question lacks information in order for the reader to relate to the question.
Kate, I am not sure of the format nor of what kind of writing you are doing here. Are you writing a poem? an introductory paragraph to a Gothic story? Or maybe you are writing a fictional reflective piece? Whatever it is that you are trying to do, you are not doing a very good job at it.
The formatting of the paper alone is a big mess. You should have these grouped by question, discussion, location, or event depicted at the very least. Right now, the setting, who is talking, why is there such a discussion, and what the ending of all this should lead up to is unclear. Perhaps you can throw in some hints for the reader, just to give us an idea as to the background of the story. If we know that, we can better follow the events as they unfold. Don't forget to fix the formatting problems though. That will also help us to better keep track and analyze what is going on in the story.
- What happened in this instance? The previous sentences indicated clear occurrences to the person. This question lacks information in order for the reader to relate to the question.
Kate, I am not sure of the format nor of what kind of writing you are doing here. Are you writing a poem? an introductory paragraph to a Gothic story? Or maybe you are writing a fictional reflective piece? Whatever it is that you are trying to do, you are not doing a very good job at it.
The formatting of the paper alone is a big mess. You should have these grouped by question, discussion, location, or event depicted at the very least. Right now, the setting, who is talking, why is there such a discussion, and what the ending of all this should lead up to is unclear. Perhaps you can throw in some hints for the reader, just to give us an idea as to the background of the story. If we know that, we can better follow the events as they unfold. Don't forget to fix the formatting problems though. That will also help us to better keep track and analyze what is going on in the story.
Hi! This is an introductory paragraph for a short story I am currently doing. I am thankful for the feedback you gave me. Again, thank you!
