Free time on my smartphone - Writing task 2: Direct question

Many people, nowadays, spend a large part of their free time on a smartphone.

What do you think are the reasons for this?
Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

A large number of people use mobile phones whenever they are free. I believe that friends' influence and need to connect with others are two primary causes for using phones in free time, and it is a negative development because this activity badly affects a person's health.

One of the two reasons people use phones excessively can be peer influence. In other words, when a person encounters his friends using phone for various activities, such as video games or watching movies, he also tend to do the same. For example, it was reported in a study conducted by the Ministry of Health in India in 2012, that 73% of the teenagers use mobiles under the influence of their companions.

Another cause is that people try to create new relations via smartphones. These devices contain countless applications, websites and other algorithms by which new friends can be made easily. As a result of such helpful features, phones help people in formulating new bonds and keep in touch with old ones. Facebook would be an excellent illustration. This app allows people to connect with each other and make new friends just on one click.

On the other hand, I feel that it is a negative advancement as it indirectly affects a person's well-being. Due to watching a screen all the time, people who use phones do not feel motivated to perform any physical tasks. This results in turning them obese or overweight later on. Furthermore, concentrating excessively the phone screen also lead to poor eyesight or, even worse, eye-related issues. For instance, every doctor suggests that human eyes should avoid too much focus on anything, because it can damage the cornia and retina present in them. Apart from that, it is scientifically profound that smartphones discharge radiation signals that are harmful for a human mind. For all these reasons, I think it is not beneficial.

To conclude, many people like to use smartphones in their free time to form friendships easily and due to an influence by their peers. However, in my opinion, excessive usage of phone poses a threat on the health of a person, thus it is a negative development.

Okay, you just needed to write up a simple opinion paper in this case. Something that quickly, but clearly discusses the given discussion points. There was no need to write more than 300 words in this case. The extensive discussion actually negatively affected the C+C aspect of the presentation. That could easily have been avoided if you opted to use simple discussion reasons and stuck to a simple, but effective example for the presentation. The best scoring essays are the ones that know how to limit their discussion by focusing on the strongest explanations with a single supporting reason. In this case, you accidentally overdid it. I hope that you used a timer so that you would be conscious of how fast you can write this essay, within the correct word count and time frame of 40 minutes.

The prompt restatement and direct question response is excellent. The thesis statements are well developed. You did a good job in writing this essay, but did not really focus on the better development of the explanation. You do not score well with a long essay, you score well when you properly and effectively convince the reviewer of your explanations.

Remember that these essays should be effectively discussed within only 4 paragraphs. 5 paragraphs would be the optional discussion format for a compare and contrast with personal opinion presentation. This essay is one paragraph too far in terms of explanation. 4 paragraphs would have a better reflected C+C score.