PLZ give some constructive criticism!!! HELP!!!! URGENT!! THANKS!! this is the common app essay!! I'm applying to NYU stern and i wonder if an essay not related to business will hurt me..
Again, I hung up my phone impatiently after another phone call from mom. Mom often complained about how I didn't call home but I was just too busy and tired to call them from boarding school. We had been miles apart for 5 years. I needed some life of my own too.
Then, one day, my friend recommended me to read "The Great Blue Yonder." I was first attracted by the pretty blue cover of the book, and when I read the first captivating lines, "People seem to think it's an easy life when you are dead", I couldn't put the book down anymore. This usual and compelling story narrates what happened to a little boy named Harry after he went to heaven. There was an inner turmoil that was preventing him from going to the "Great Blue Yonder" and later when he returned to the land of the living, he found that the last words he said to his sister were "You'll be sorry I'm dead."
These words struck something within me. Harry's encounters while back at the land of the living really made me ponder deeply about the importance of family and the unpredictability of life. I slowly started to see something I have lost as years passed. I realized why Mom was always saying I had become so detached and aloof that she was afraid of what I would become when I go abroad. I refused to believe what she said but now I saw her point. I WAS getting detached. Memories of the past when our family was tightly bonded together in Singapore flashed through my mind. We used to go out for walks every evening; we used to go to the beach every weekend; we used to have so much fun together. What happened?
Suddenly, I was afraid of what might happen tomorrow. Life is so unpredictable. From moving across China, then to Singapore, then back, I never imagined my life to be so enriching. I have seen and absorbed very different cultures. I suddenly feel very grateful to be given all these chances by my parents that not everyone can have. So much of the time we take things for granted until it's too late to say thanks. Now that we are miles apart, I need to cherish the limited time we are together. I don't want any regrets in my life. I want to live my life to the fullest.
Harry has taught me this important lesson: Love your family, and live every day like it's the last. Then, you will cross the yonder of true happiness and no regrets.
This is so good! However, you seem to be using yonder incorrectly. Google it. I think it refers to what is "out there" and not something to cross. I don't think you can cross a yonder.
Comma:
...call home, but I...
I really like it, and if you have any inspiration left, you can assuage your worries by making it into an essay about business. Be creative. How is being there for your family connected to your aspirations in business. Tell a little about what is yonder for you!!!!
:)
