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Gang Violence. "There will be an escalation in violence on streets"


Shergill 4 / -  
Jan 12, 2007   #1
Gang Violence Essay

The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching its higher levels with each and every single day.The newspaper in my hand with a statement from police chief "There will be an escalation in violence on streets, because of disputed drug deal between two gangs in Lower mainland".

The distressing part is these cons always safely get away, but most of the time are innocent bystanders who have to pay price. Because usually these targeted shootings happen on public places. It could be park with innocent joggers, night time bars packed with innocent chaps happen to be there to relax and have fun after a whole day long work hard, and driveway shooting for targeted house could have hit neighbour er and walking by pedestrians .

I think only solution to this problem is by educating more and more youths about the consequeces they could face after getting into gang style life.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Jan 13, 2007   #2
Greetings!

First I'll look at technical things like grammar, sentence structure and punctuation:

The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching its higher levels with each and every single day. - Leave out "its," you don't need it. Each and every single day is redundant and overly dramatic. Just say "The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching higher levels every day."

The newspaper in my hand with a statement from police chief "There will be an escalation in violence on streets, because of disputed drug deal between two gangs in Lower mainland".

- This sentence is a bit garbled. Are you saying that you are holding a newspaper that contains a statement by the chief? You need a verb in there somewhere, perhaps substituting "has" or "contains" for "with." You also need articles for the nouns: "the police chief," "the streets," "a disputed drug deal," "the lower mainland." Periods go inside the quotation mark in American English, but if you are in Canada, using British rules, the period goes outside if it is not part of the quote; however, here it is part of the quote, so put it inside.

The distressing part is these cons always safely get away, but most of the time are innocent bystanders who have to pay price. - You have inadvertently said that the cons are innocent bystanders. Make this two sentences: The distressing part is these cons always ["usually" would be more accurate perhaps?] get away safely. It is the innocent bystanders who pay the price.

Because usually these targeted shootings happen on public places. - This is a fragment. Say "Usually these shootings happen in public places." (I'm not sure that "targeted" shootings is appropriate.)

It could be park with innocent joggers, night time bars packed with innocent chaps happen to be there to relax and have fun after a whole day long work hard, and driveway shooting for targeted house could have hit neighbour er and walking by pedestrians . - This doesn't make a lot of sense. How about "It could be a park full of innocent joggers, a bar packed with patrons relaxing after a hard day at work, or a drive-by shooting which misses its targeted house and kills a neighbor or pedestrian."

I think only solution to this problem is by educating more and more youths about the consequeces they could face after getting into gang style life. - Better might be "The solution to this problem lies in educating young people about the consequences they could face from getting into the gang lifestyle."

Is this the whole essay? You might want to go more deeply into how the education could be accomplished. What sorts of programs are there to combat gangs? If there are none, or not enough, what needs to be done? If the essay is about proposing a solution, you might need to be just a bit more specific.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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