[IELTS WRITING TASK 2] A gap year instead of moving immediately to university to work or to travel

I would like to be thankful and hope you leave any feedback for my essay and (if possible) give me an average band based on IELTS criteria.

ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF TAKING A GAP YEAR

Some students prefer to take a gap year between high school university to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

My essay:
There has been an accelerating trend of breaking for a year instead of moving immediately to university to work or travel. This phenomenon has some shortcomings in few aspects, the benefits are overwhelmed.

Taking a year out is associated with many disadvantages. This is firstly because, if school-leavers enter real life when they have just enter adulthood, they will get into a lot of trouble such as financial problems or uncomfortable environment. For instance, to earn a living, gap year student have to do physical demanding job. In addition, a year is a long time so that they feel hard to continue academics. As a result, classmates may leave them behind, which lead to depression and stress.

The advantages of pausing your studies for working or traveling, nevertheless, are more significant than its drawbacks. An important reason is that youngster can gain broader perspective of life. This means that those will have a chance to access diverse culture setting or different geographical context. Besides, choosing to take intentional time off is a way to reflect and develop new skills. These help students truly understand which career they want to do in the future.

In conclusion, there are many benefits of taking a gap year which outweigh its shortcomings. For these reason, students should give themselves an opportunity to explore the world and their own through a gap year.

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There is a big difference between an accelerating trend and some students opting to take a gap year. You have not properly restated the original topic because your reference point is a rate of increase in an action as opposed to the original prompt which is about students preferring or opting to take a gap year after high school graduaton. They have the choice to do it or not, that is different from a trend. To be clear:

Option - something that may be or is chosen; choice

Prefer - to set or hold before or above other persons or things in estimation; like better;

Trend - the general course or prevailing tendency

The word more related to the original keyword is option because it is a decision made by choice, such as taking a gap year from school.

When writing about an advantage or disadvantage topic, the idea is to argue the negatives as a positive. So choose 2 negatives for your reasoning topics, then discuss these negatives as a positive to prove your point. For example:

Disadvantage - Financial Problems Advantage - The student learns to become responsible with money because he has to work for his money rather than receive an allowance.

Do you see the point? It all about proving the other side of the argument to be wrong based upon your understanding of the actual advantages. This clarity of opinion based on a proper comparison discussion is what you missed pointing out in your response. You have only one positive discussion in this essay rather than 2. So the essay is not properly developed in terms of reasoning and evidence. It will only receive a score for the part of the essay that discusses the advantage. The other paragraph will not be receiving any points.