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Gender equality has been achieved? Unlikely.



forbetterdani 2 / 2  
Feb 5, 2017   #1
The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


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Hello. This is my practice for IELTS writing task 2. Thanks in advance for reviewing my writing :)
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Role of Women in Society



Over the last 5 decades, society's outlook on women role has changed substantially. Even though it seems that gender equality is about to be achieved, it is not completely true. Most females still have less opportunity to experience promising career path compared to their male counterparts.

Some people may argue that society these days have treated women the same as men. They base their view on the fact that, in modern day, there are more females holding high position in companies. According to the latest survey carried on by University of Indonesia, the proportion of female managers has doubled compared to that in 1980s. In addition, they also earn the equal amount of salary as men with the same position. Thus, it is generally believed that gender does not matter anymore in this globalization era.

However, they neglect the fact that most of those successful women have undergone harder obstacle than men to get on the top. It is because the majority of jobs offered to them are low-paid. As an impact, hey have to make much greater effort to achieve the same position as men. These women experience harder situations such as working overtime to show that they are capable to handle more difficult duties. Apart from working conditions, they also often seen as the ones who have full responsibility to take care of their family. As such, for married women, it is more challenging to work outside their homes.

In conclusion, gender equality is not truly achieved considering the fact that females need to experience more immense challenges to be i the same position as males. It can only be considered as gender equality if both sexes have equal achievement by doing equal effort.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15369  
Feb 6, 2017   #2
Daniette, while your paraphrasing an opinion in the opening statement is commendable, it is a bit faulty because you forgot the most important thing that this essay should be reflecting. That is, you should have added an ownership of the opinion by saying "My opinion is that...". After the declaration of your opinion, an quick outline of your discussion should have been included as part of the overview of the succeeding discussion. That is not to say that what you wrote is not effective. All I am saying is that it could have been more complete and stronger in presentation.

Throughout the essay, you do your best not to qualify any statement as being a part of your opinion. I believe that this is not the correct approach to this essay because you are being asked to portray your opinion in every paragraph. Therefore, you should use a first person pronoun in each paragraph in order to establish that. Use the pronoun in the first sentence so that you can always establish ownership of the opinion. This will also show that you are able to develop a first person line of reference in your sentences, which can lead to a more convincing discussion in your essay.


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