IELTS task 2 - gender preference on school classes

Task:

In schools ad universities, girls tend to choose arts subject, while boys choose science subjects.

What is the reason? Should the trend be changed?

Answer:
It is apparent that there are a gender preferences when it comes to choosing a curriculum, which means courses are chosen depending on genders. Both external and internal factors contribute to this phenomenon and I take the view that this trend should be changed.

There are two main reasons why some courses are dominated by female and others attract male. Firstly, girls and boys are both with difference which is the same as biological level. Courses which are romantic and beautiful are attractive to female students. Nevertheless, male students who are aggressive congenitally just regard these curriculums as tedious as dish washer so scientific classes with practice and analytical thinking are optimum for them. Secondly, it is still prevalent that men are the bread winners while women are caregivers especially in undeveloped regions. Thus the female who plan to major in science and physics may discouraged by conservative gender stereotypes.

It will be better if students can choose courses according to their genuine interest instead of optimum from others. We should not impose any restrictions on choices made by students and they should be given more encouragement. Boys who have passion for arts feel free and comfortable when they sit in an art-based class room. Girls should be given equal opportunity as boys to study science. History has proven that women are as good as men in scientific domain as we have witnessed a lot of female Nobel Prize winners in science.

In conclusion, the natural difference between men and women and social opinion result in the contrasting subject choices. However, students should learn courses what they love not what are suitable.

Your prompt paraphrase requires a clearer representation of gender. These days, there are more than one gender identities so you have to be specific in your presentation, based upon the original presentation. Refer to synonyms for girls and boys (women, men, male, female) You should also specify which subjects are indicated. Basically, your prompt paraphrase is only partially informative and in accordance with the original representation.

Your first reasoning paragraph is not clear at all. Women and men are different on the biological level. Yet you said they are the same. Art subjects do not necessarily mean romantic and beautiful. What do you mean by using the term congenitally? That word, congenitally, does not exist in the English dictionary. That will be a big deduction in your LR score. Do not use phrases that do not make any sense like "tedious as dish water". Truth be told, that whole paragraph does not make any sense to the reader. Perhaps it makes sense in your native tongue, but it does not translate very well to English.