Women usually face trouble with promotion in companies,
Do not present your personal opinion in such a direct manner yet. It should be the last sentence in the statement. Fill the second sentence with your question response first, followed by your reasoning / thesis presentation. Then the task would have been appropriately formatted. The opinion topic reasons are always presented last.
Non-academic word usage. This reference was not really needed in this presentation. In fact, it is never used in any academic writing paper. Avoid such empty references as these do not add to the relevance and content of the statement.
To begin with, almost all women are more loyal, honest, dedicated to what they are responsible for than men.
The discussion in this paragraph does not circle back to the basis of your reason. That of women losing out on promotions even though they work harder and better than men. Compare the work ethic of both genders in this paragraph to prove that women should represent half of the powerful offices in a workplace.
Women also play an important role in the family's finances.
How is this relevant to their promotion trouble in companies? Both your reasons are not cohesive in the sense that niether represent a defense of your thesis statement. There is no connection between the writer's reason and his defense explanation. These need to relate to promotions, which was the center of the writer's thesis statement.