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GENDER - Writing Task 2 - Several renowned organizations are headed by men


hunnguyenle 1 / 1  
Nov 22, 2021   #1
Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



It is observed that several renowned organizations are headed by men, although women account for half of the workforce in distinct developed nations. Women usually face trouble with promotion in companies, so that I strongly agree with the notion that there should be a fixed percentage of positions allocated to women.

To begin with, almost all women are more loyal, honest, dedicated to what they are responsible for than men. Specifically, there is no surprise that enterprises prefer female employees because they can take the deadline seriously and ensure to meet them. Besides, women are known to be more creative. Nowadays, a new trend is observed in some advertising agencies which have seen a rise of women in creative roles in an organization. For instance, some of the positions that require creativity in company such as copywriters, planners, etc are responsible for women. However, the statistics also show that these ladies are usually headed by a male, who runs the work, takes the awards and promotions.

Women also play an important role in the family's finances. Currently, working mothers contribute to the financial resources of the household, or they also use their salaries for children's education. Moreover, many women have become the main source of income in many houses, especially single mothers or those who are divorced. If these women were denied to get the opportunity to have fixed positions in firms, they are not capable of raising their offspring or paying for living expenses. Thus, women should have a chance to get a job to support their families.

In conclusion, it seems to me that organizations should have a solution for this phenomenon because women tend to have a great impact on the workforce and the family's financial burden they have to cope with.

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Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3858  
Nov 23, 2021   #2
Women usually face trouble with promotion in companies,

Do not present your personal opinion in such a direct manner yet. It should be the last sentence in the statement. Fill the second sentence with your question response first, followed by your reasoning / thesis presentation. Then the task would have been appropriately formatted. The opinion topic reasons are always presented last.

etc

Non-academic word usage. This reference was not really needed in this presentation. In fact, it is never used in any academic writing paper. Avoid such empty references as these do not add to the relevance and content of the statement.

To begin with, almost all women are more loyal, honest, dedicated to what they are responsible for than men.

The discussion in this paragraph does not circle back to the basis of your reason. That of women losing out on promotions even though they work harder and better than men. Compare the work ethic of both genders in this paragraph to prove that women should represent half of the powerful offices in a workplace.

Women also play an important role in the family's finances.

How is this relevant to their promotion trouble in companies? Both your reasons are not cohesive in the sense that niether represent a defense of your thesis statement. There is no connection between the writer's reason and his defense explanation. These need to relate to promotions, which was the center of the writer's thesis statement.
OP hunnguyenle 1 / 1  
Nov 23, 2021   #3
@Holt @Hana146
Thanks for your feedback! This is my first essay IELTS Writing Task 2 and I made a bunch of mistakes. However, I will try my best to fix and improve it.


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