Unanswered [21] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.


me4mbd 5 / 11 5  
Aug 18, 2013   #1
Topic: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience.

Please give your valuable suggestions regarding my essay.

Decreased acquaintanceship within families pointing us to the drawbacks of modern society that negatively impacts on our personal life. In this essay I would pore over some causes why this change has happened and offer some suggestion how families could be brought closer together afterwards.

By far the most remarkable reason to change relationship within the families is the increased busyness in modern life. In the past people had more time to spend with their relatives and neighbors. It has been seen that most of the time husband was the only earning member of the family. Therefore, wife maintained the social relationship with neighbors while looking after children. However, to cope with modern lifestyle nowadays both husband and wife are working and after work they become tire thus close-knit relationship with other families are decreasing day by day. Moreover, advancement of technology is playing another pivotal role to close the relationship within the families. Even after fulltime work most of the people have some extra time to spare. Ironically, this extra time replaced by watching television, video games, internet surfing chatting on facebook and so on which were not seen in back in days.

To overcome the decreased relationship within families arranging some get together after certain time could be helpful. In this regard, realization the significant of relationship is the number one factor. Parents need to understand that spending time in a get together party with cousins, friends, neighbors, and relatives will help their children to be socialized. In addition, government can initiate some programs such as seminars, mass media advertising, and workshops while they can explain the necessity of the family bonding. Beyond blue in Australia is one of the remarkable organization where they explaining the broken dignity of loose relationship on depression.

To recap, it is an everlasting shame that in this advanced society families are not closed enough compared with the past. However, a pragmatic approach in light of arrange a get together party and some government initiatives could give a workable solution to decrease this trend
teehee123 2 / 4 2  
Aug 18, 2013   #2
In the past people had more time to spend with their relatives and neighbors.

I think it would be better like this with a comma after "in the past" : In the past, people had more time to spend with their relatives and neighbors.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Aug 18, 2013   #3
Decreased acquaintanceship within families pointing us to the drawbacks of modern society that negatively impacts on our personal life.

.... why modern society impacts on family life negatively? You need to tackle that point!
With advancement of technology, the modern society has become very fast paced. This situation has gives rise to weakened bonds between family members in today's society.

By far the most remarkableimportant reason to change relationship within the families is the increased busyness in modern life.

.... remarkable is not appropriate to use in that sentence. Be careful with synonyms and don't use them if you are not very sure with their usage.

The important reason for this phenomenon is the fast lives that people live today. People are too busy with their day to day commitments ??????
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 18, 2013   #4
your ideas seem to be satisfactory..however, you need to improve in organizing them to present a clearer flow for the reader..to illustrate this to you, allow me to amend your introduction

Modernization of society has numerous drawbacks which affects people's lives, one of them is decreased acquaintanceship within families. Ways on addressing the reason causing this change, as well as bringing families closer will be discussed.

To recap, it is an everlasting shame that in this advanced society families

change this, it sounds too informal

hope this helps..
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 19, 2013   #5
Decreased acquaintanceship within families pointing us to the drawbacks of modern society that negatively impacts on our personal life

... this is an interesting simple idea which you have presented in a very complicated manner. Also, this is your hook that needs to grab the reader's attention throughout your essay. So, do not write unnecessarily complicated sentences.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be.